Numb.

Is it so bad to be sad?
So frowned upon to have a frown on?
I moved out and away
from what was suppose to be home
because it was dragging me down
And in with a friend
i thought it was the end
to my loneliess and self loathing
but now i wear my masks like clothing
I fear im losing that high
of temporary change
and its all coming back again
the depression, the overwhelming loneliness
and i fear if i tell anyone i need help they will back away
as they did before. and they wont want me anymore.
No one loves the sick and hurt.
No one wants to be around that .
I seek comfort in human contact
Under clothes and under sheets
But it only leaves a deeper hole to fill
I am forever chasing the feeling of the first time of happiness and love
ive gone to hell and back and even prayed to above
Im wearing this feeling out like a glove
No amount of smoke can cloud the pain
No amount of pills can kill the numbness
No amount of drinks can drown the sorrow
That there will be no happiness in tomorrow.
I am afraid and no one will help.
I am afraid no one will help.

Flashback.

This numbness that overwhelms us is something that comes with broken trust.We try to hold it all in & hold ourselves up, pretending like we never fell into this rut.
The people we choose seem to be the ones we always lose
Like picking the prettiest flowers only to see them die is our arms after a few hours.
Its funny how you re even alarmed,
Life never went the way that you wanted, always an arms length away keeping you taunted.
So lets go back to the beginning to where this all began,
When you saw the world for what it was, dropped it all and ran.
Far far away as far as you could go, before you were even taught the meaning of no.
Wishing you could shrink up and crawl back inside her womb.
Seem to be the only place for you that there was ever room,
To form, grow and eventually develop
Into something more than just another setup
Take it farther back when you were just an idea
Funny how pain never was named in this game.
Thrown out into the world, without the slightest clue
Of what it meant to be alive and how to keep to you.
Truth is we are all just a bunch of misconceptions
Always on the search for the better connection
How can there be an end when you cant remember the beginning
Always on the downside, doesn't matter if you're winning
Let me know to Let it go just as soon as i begin to show
The truth is too much, but its the only thing i clutch.

Flow.

All i know is lately I've been dreaming
But I'm to high to remember
Or maybe to low underground
Dreaming plugged in
Notes of memories
How do you feel though
I don't know
Days passed where I knew
And this feeling is new
I don't know anything at all
All i lost forever
Cant tell whether
I'm changed or the same
With a different outlook
Because of the things you took
Am i dying or just recognizing
A deeper meaning
All i know is the older we get
The more i regret
Everything lost
And nothings been found
Memories unwind
And I am unwound
Tumbling down into daydreams and nightmares
Cant tell if I'm there anymore
My minds feeling sore
Of nothing more than all these chores
And these gatherings of burdens
But maybe I'm learning
A measurements difference
And I would of been dead
But I'm left here reminiscing instead
These bitter moods draining
And I cant stop complaining
But not to any faces
My mirror can all take
Because people will break
Under the pressure of the world
Under the pressure of my mind
And how it all works
And like clockwork
Its all repetition
Seemingly I never listen
To my reflection
This hell hole
You're happier about my life than I
But only because you don't get why
When what or how
I am this way now
One and one is two
But one with me and zero with you is none
Funny how I'm alive
After we've been done
i might not be in a logical place
But that's where I'm found
You moved me around
And I cant find a trace
Of where Ive been left
Being pierced with a rusty spear
Infections spread without you near
I intake the worst
Just to have something to feel
To replace this nothingness
Left in the wilderness with wet matches
A sorry excuse of existence
Insane how it shifts
The feet I walked before is no more
I dont want to start this life
This path in a new direction
Its the interception i mind
because it isnt mine
Same questions
Different answers
Same feeling
A years difference is all it takes
to recognize old mistakes
I get out of here soon
But not soon enough
How hard do i have to press
To get some sort of reaction
Just a small infraction
Would be a miracle of a difference
But its already been made
With the ideas that I've laid.

Listen.

Ask me for advice

But just first take a look at your life

How many lives have you lived because of love

How many of you have died because of love

How many of you have questions what is above

Because you’ve been left below

Digging Digging Digging

For some sort of reason

Some sort of scientific explanation

For why you’re tied down when you want to be free

But that’s just gravity

So don’t blame it on her, him, or me.

Your life, your choice, your responsibility

And I know about depression

Because I was born again in a facility

I was shown how to expand my mental capacity

Sitting in a room full of sedated insanity.

Because I was full already

Full of sadness

Full of pills

Full of hypocrisy

Full of shit

Call me crazy

Wish you understood

So maybe you could stand

On your own

And withstand.

Wish you were here

To lend me an ear

We all need advice

To be told more than twice

That we deserve the best in life

But id be a lie to say we don’t lie

So we can only rely

On those that have survived

Take knowledge from those who went to college

Learn a lesson from someone who had less than

Take an idea, respond with an onomatopoeia

Like BOOM! A new thought in your mind

Take my advice…

And question your life.

Don’t do it just for you.

Do it from her, him and me.

Because how the hell are we suppose to live peacefully

When we live life for just ourselves so selfishly.

Take it and question yourself religiously

Like it’s a test and failure is anything below a C

See why you do things?

See how you react?

See why it is that you prefer dogs over cats.

Ask why you prefer life over choice

Or why for some things you have a voice

I could go on and on

But that’d be wrong

Because this isn’t an integration

Its instigation

An internal investigation

Questioning yourself without hesitation

Speaking out without deliberation

Word vomit

And if you’re really on it

You’ll be running around unable to sit

Putting on glasses

and looking at trees

and saying mom I can finally see the leaves

I can see the roots

And I can see the solution.

Now I’m finally ready to draw a conclusion

So take my advice

Take it hard

Takes soft

Take it daily with a side of rice

You’re finally ready to live your life

Edited.

You gotta let go of that monster inside you sometimes
Or he'll start to get angry that hes being confined.
You'll eat yourself up from the inside out.
Destroying every single part of you without a doubt
of whats good or bad, and what you should keep.
That monster inside doesnt care what it eats.
Let it out to let it go.
Forgetting the truth in you you know
Holding on to hang it up
in the end when things dont go

You better hollow out your heart
because theres ice that dont belong there
and your starting to fall apart.

Make a decision before i make one up for you
Get away from the sickness before it controls you
Wont see me complaining about shit
and then refusing to change
I wasnt born with hypocrysy as my name.

Dont want to pretend to be somebody im not
but people seem to respond better when im down on lock.

She's so heavy.

I carry my burdens.
I'll carry yours too.
I am not obliged,
I want to.

I carry my burdens.
I'll carry yours too.
They arent that heavy
when I share them with you.

I carry your burdens
with a heavy heart
Knowing in the end
you will depart.

I carry my burdens
And I carry yours as well
I carry them wishing
it had not been farwell.

“And He said, “Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest.”

—	Matthew 11:28-30

An old song for JD

You're a fragile girl.
Living in a viscious world.
I can only hope to be there
When you need someone.
The beauty I find in you.
Is of a different breed.
One which exceeds
All normal standards.
You are the flower that opens later
Than all the rest.
When the summer is gone
And the cold wind arrives.
And i realize with new eyes
You are so much more beautiful
Inside.
A delicate child.
In a world of hate.
But our bond is never up for debate.
With you I never regulate
What I say or do.
Every word is a thought spoken true.
I only wish you would walk around with a mirror.
So you could see clearer
What I see.
I want your walls to fall.
So you can see that life calls
To you.
You are more than what you see.
So much more.