Wake up in a Dream.

Could i have imagined it all? I could i have imagined everything?
I allow my imagination to get ahead of itself. We see what we want in someone, not what's really there.
But someone how this time i was really sure that i wasn't setting myself up for disappointment.
I know i dream about it, every night now. Its suffocating to have your thoughts invaded by day and by night.
I use to have control over what i dreamt about and who visited me in them, but now it feels like every night that i wake up in a dream i am being followed by a shadow of my past. Its the same three faces. Its the same scenarios repeated over and over. I'm stuck and forced to watch it all happen all over again, now seeing how i could of prevented the damage but helpless to do anything. Its one of those dreams where you open your mouth and you try to scream with all your might and you try to run, you just want to get out as fast as you can, but it feels like your underwater.

 Your words are smothered and swallowed up by the thick dream your in and you legs are sluggish running in water, feet stunk in the sand. And all the while i am aware that i am dreaming. I know what is happening. In my head i am pleading with my subconscious please please wake up, take control, this is your dream, Wake Up!

But its too late. They are there already. We are acting out the scenes and i have my smile painted on and i know where this is going but I'm too weak to stop it anymore. Ive felt so dead for so long now that if indulging in this little bit of nostalgia is going to give me what i need to survive another long day then I'll take it. I lay there asleep in self destruction, eyes swirling around in REM. Seeing memories i forgot existed. Fingers twitching, responding to the objects in my dreams and in the end a little gasp escapes me.
And when i do wake up, I'm not rested. I'm more restless than i was before i went to sleep at 4 am the night before. Is this how its always going to be for me? Life just being full of self-denials and indulgences.

I've been searching

I will not let the failures of one man make me lose hope in all of humanity.

I will not allow myself to even contemplate that there is no hope out there to discover a true genuine person.

I will not allow the blind to blind me as well.

I will instead open the doors and windows to those who live in darkness and show them the light. The light from above and the light from below.

Light can come from someone greater and someone much simpler.

I will not lose hope in my own life because I am looking for the same thing.

Because there is not one of us on this planet or on any other that does not long before anything else to be loved.

I will survive and live my life and improve myself so that I can change, not the world but the people who have such a negative outlook on change.

I will not let my flaws become my demons.

I will not fail. Setbacks are just challenges in which we will either succeed or fail just so that we can be challenged and find a different solution.

I might not always get what you want but in not receiving what I look for I might find some clarity in the struggle for happiness.

I will persevere.

Life is nothing without the passion to live and to love the life you have been given.

I have been given the choice of free will.

The same free will that everyone else has.

I will not be the one to be held as a captive to the will of others.

My body might have limitations but my mind does not, my heart knows no boundaries.

I am not dead, so I must be alive.

I will make the best of that.

It is remarkable that I am given every breathe I take.

I will not forget that from this day on.

I will live without repressing my true emotions and actions.

I will not deny myself of the happiness that connections in life will give me.

I am alive and if I live I will never be dead.