Wake up in a Dream.

Could i have imagined it all? I could i have imagined everything?
I allow my imagination to get ahead of itself. We see what we want in someone, not what's really there.
But someone how this time i was really sure that i wasn't setting myself up for disappointment.
I know i dream about it, every night now. Its suffocating to have your thoughts invaded by day and by night.
I use to have control over what i dreamt about and who visited me in them, but now it feels like every night that i wake up in a dream i am being followed by a shadow of my past. Its the same three faces. Its the same scenarios repeated over and over. I'm stuck and forced to watch it all happen all over again, now seeing how i could of prevented the damage but helpless to do anything. Its one of those dreams where you open your mouth and you try to scream with all your might and you try to run, you just want to get out as fast as you can, but it feels like your underwater.

 Your words are smothered and swallowed up by the thick dream your in and you legs are sluggish running in water, feet stunk in the sand. And all the while i am aware that i am dreaming. I know what is happening. In my head i am pleading with my subconscious please please wake up, take control, this is your dream, Wake Up!

But its too late. They are there already. We are acting out the scenes and i have my smile painted on and i know where this is going but I'm too weak to stop it anymore. Ive felt so dead for so long now that if indulging in this little bit of nostalgia is going to give me what i need to survive another long day then I'll take it. I lay there asleep in self destruction, eyes swirling around in REM. Seeing memories i forgot existed. Fingers twitching, responding to the objects in my dreams and in the end a little gasp escapes me.
And when i do wake up, I'm not rested. I'm more restless than i was before i went to sleep at 4 am the night before. Is this how its always going to be for me? Life just being full of self-denials and indulgences.