Its Time.

When do you think it is time to let go?
Let go of the things that happened that shaped you to be who you are now,
Let go of the things you cant change but wish you could.
The father that left a wife and two kids.
The bestfriend since childhood who turned her back.
The resentful mother who looks at you and sees her regrets in you.
The lover that made you feel like you weren't enough.
The girl who stole your heart and your sanity.
The one that got away.
The child that could of been.
The future you could of had.
The person you always thought you were.
Let it go. Select. Delete. Refresh.
Now begin. Again.
But Let It Go.

When you shot me at point-blank range, I knew you loved me.

It's late. Well not for me but it is for everyone else I share this city with. I am not tired. Shocker. Yet at the same time I am oh so exhausted. My mind strains to find words to describe my situation. When I am at loss for words, I feel as though I am unworthy of describing the subject. Because I can't explain it that must be the reason I am denied of words. I must not understand it. Words words words. What are they? A false inaccurate portrayl of emotion. By the time the proper text is found, the subject has changed. My situation and subject is everchanging and words become increasingly difficult to find. It is only after the situation is over that I often find clarity. I hunger hunger hunger for words. For information. Hoping that in them I will find reason and truth. I watch as one by one they drift on into the night while I stay awake with my thoughts and only demons for company. I am in constant fear that I am under-read. That I don't know enough. I am attracted to challenge and fall in love with rejection. And maybe hope is my biggest downfall. That and my mind. At least my creative process. I build cities of illusions and dreams and inhabit them in my sleep or in my private deep thought. And then I wake to reality and am always so naive to find them not to hold any truth or stability. I can build it all up like skyscrapers and tear it all down in a matter of seconds in my mind. It is apparent in my sudden change of warmth at times. I am caught mid-laugh realizing that what I was enjoying wasn't that funny and that the jokes on me for thinking it was and getting ahead of myself. It is strange beause I have become so familiar with depression that I do not break. I am most frequently found in the encasing of my own misery but I do not cry. Perhaps it is the hope that prevents me, knowing any emotion and energy released would be wasted because I've known better times than these and they might be around the corner yet. But this hope is also the death of me. An open wound never allowed to heal because the shooter might just come back, remove the bullet from my chest, and explain why I was the victim this time. I am foolish to have hope in someone who pulls the trigger so easily. But I trust the ones with protection because trial and error has made them wise, yet it has also made them blind. Maybe that's is why they shoot so blindly at salvation. All they hear is a stranger approaching in the dark and experience has taught them if you let strangers get too close you will get hurt. You'll become the victim. It's get shot or shoot but a blind man can't see a white flag of truce. So shoot at me and I will continue, in the hopes that your blindness and my shrewdness will cause you to miss and I will get close enough to hold you.

Wake up in a Dream.

Could i have imagined it all? I could i have imagined everything?
I allow my imagination to get ahead of itself. We see what we want in someone, not what's really there.
But someone how this time i was really sure that i wasn't setting myself up for disappointment.
I know i dream about it, every night now. Its suffocating to have your thoughts invaded by day and by night.
I use to have control over what i dreamt about and who visited me in them, but now it feels like every night that i wake up in a dream i am being followed by a shadow of my past. Its the same three faces. Its the same scenarios repeated over and over. I'm stuck and forced to watch it all happen all over again, now seeing how i could of prevented the damage but helpless to do anything. Its one of those dreams where you open your mouth and you try to scream with all your might and you try to run, you just want to get out as fast as you can, but it feels like your underwater.

 Your words are smothered and swallowed up by the thick dream your in and you legs are sluggish running in water, feet stunk in the sand. And all the while i am aware that i am dreaming. I know what is happening. In my head i am pleading with my subconscious please please wake up, take control, this is your dream, Wake Up!

But its too late. They are there already. We are acting out the scenes and i have my smile painted on and i know where this is going but I'm too weak to stop it anymore. Ive felt so dead for so long now that if indulging in this little bit of nostalgia is going to give me what i need to survive another long day then I'll take it. I lay there asleep in self destruction, eyes swirling around in REM. Seeing memories i forgot existed. Fingers twitching, responding to the objects in my dreams and in the end a little gasp escapes me.
And when i do wake up, I'm not rested. I'm more restless than i was before i went to sleep at 4 am the night before. Is this how its always going to be for me? Life just being full of self-denials and indulgences.

I've been searching

I will not let the failures of one man make me lose hope in all of humanity.

I will not allow myself to even contemplate that there is no hope out there to discover a true genuine person.

I will not allow the blind to blind me as well.

I will instead open the doors and windows to those who live in darkness and show them the light. The light from above and the light from below.

Light can come from someone greater and someone much simpler.

I will not lose hope in my own life because I am looking for the same thing.

Because there is not one of us on this planet or on any other that does not long before anything else to be loved.

I will survive and live my life and improve myself so that I can change, not the world but the people who have such a negative outlook on change.

I will not let my flaws become my demons.

I will not fail. Setbacks are just challenges in which we will either succeed or fail just so that we can be challenged and find a different solution.

I might not always get what you want but in not receiving what I look for I might find some clarity in the struggle for happiness.

I will persevere.

Life is nothing without the passion to live and to love the life you have been given.

I have been given the choice of free will.

The same free will that everyone else has.

I will not be the one to be held as a captive to the will of others.

My body might have limitations but my mind does not, my heart knows no boundaries.

I am not dead, so I must be alive.

I will make the best of that.

It is remarkable that I am given every breathe I take.

I will not forget that from this day on.

I will live without repressing my true emotions and actions.

I will not deny myself of the happiness that connections in life will give me.

I am alive and if I live I will never be dead.

I could live out my life without a backward glance.

I could live out my life as a hermit on some distant shore. I could live with books for conversation and the stars for company. I could live free. Once you are deep enough in nature and you lose all traces of humanity, you can sit and look up at the sky and be in any time period of the past. I would like to cultivate my own land and stalk my prey. I would like to live with no boundaries except the limitations of my human body but not of my mortal mind. I acknowledge no master. And that is why I feel trapped. I feel statisfied by no human connection, physical or mental. I am forever seeking. I long for the relationship I can have outside of society. I would like to have a companion in all this though. Someone to share these experiences. If I had it my way we would travel and be in furious debate all day and then on others say not one word. Sharing our thoughts on some deeper level of understanding. I want to be able to converse and debate. I want to be challenged physically and mentally. I want to experience the world pleasures of this earth and of my own body. I want to exisit as a part of this world not as a burden. I want to live. 

A Common Feeling.

I loathe it. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I will be lying in my bed, relaxing on a lazy morning. My mind wandering, thinking of a line read from a long lost book and that's when I catch his scent. It's subtle at first but then as I take in a deep breathe it becomes distinctly recognizable. Memories of the of the past begin to flood my mind and I can no longer bear to lay in my own bed. I cannot be sleep where he has slept. The scent wafts under my nose and I begin to realize where its coming from. From my sheets and from the pillow on which he had rested his head. It's transferred to my clothes and hair. Its imprinted on my bare skin. No shower is long enough to wash away those past traces. I cannot scrub away his presence and he will liner on eternally in my mind. I ripped the linens of my bed and stripped down and toss them all in the washer for the hottest cycle possible.  All of this because of a scent....