On Letting Go.

And so it begins. A clean slate. I feel refreshed. I wont ever be able to get to that wonderful and deathly past that Ive held onto for so long now. So its goodbye. I'm finally able to do that.

At the show amongst the screaming fans and energized body my anchor was finally cut free. As Anthony Green spoke his words my burden was lifted. I have done everything that i could, trying to find the reasons to why things were in their state. The anger, resentment, love, and sorrow was lifted.

I don't want to hear the excuses, the apologizes, the reasons. They don't matter anymore. And frankly i don't care about it anymore. I don't want to hear them. Underneath the surface we are all searching for that sweet self acceptance of what happened. The longer it takes the more it went to waste until it was something that we didn't even recognize. A memory that's begun to fade and I've forgotten that feeling of what it was to be with you. And looking back i realize none of it was real. All the actions happened, NONE of the words meant, ever. None of them.

And I'm so freed by that. I'm so happy now. I feel my purpose in life again.

There's nothing that i can possibly say anymore. There's no new words that can change what happened in the past. The truth wont even save you because you don't even want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear what they did wrong. But i know what i did wrong. I lied to myself the entire time. I lied to a friend. I tried to help a lover so he could be happy with me. I let a man with so many problems find a distraction in me. I was looking for so long through so many people. For the love i never felt. And i never got it. But now i love myself because of the feelings that were released in that crowd, all of those people hanging on to every word that he sang. Screaming their hearts out for some sort of salvation that would heal their wounds. My life is changed. And I'm so grateful for what that crowd gave me. I'm so grateful for what those 3 people in my life were able to give me. The only people I've ever loved, but not enough to let them go. I finally can.

So fucking careless with the things you gave out you didn't even realize you were left with nothing and when that happens, you get so fucking lonely and selfish that you will take anything from anyone to feel again. We can say we cared about one another but we didn't because we would of never done those things to each other. People don't hurt the people they love. I am done being the enemy. Done having lies and words spread and manipulated hurting people I tried so desperately to hold onto. Just a burden, that's all we all ever were to each other. And i tried so fucking hard to be perfect for you to try and fix you but when you don't want to change there's not helping you. I am you're enemy. Its not a role i am willing to play anymore. I am you're nothing. I take back everything. I it take it all back and now i give you nothing. So that you wont have anything to resent me for. I wish i could look you in the eyes and tell you that it meant nothing, because it didn't. I wanted it to mean everything, i wanted it to be love but it wasn't. It was loneliness. The only factor that brought us all together.

Ive walked around trying to hard not to tread on anyone. But you know what, everyone you go your going to leave a mark. Accept it. Its our lot in life to take from one another but we got to make sure that we never intentionally steal from another. And i think that's a lesson many still have to learn. If you don't accept the damage you have inflicted on others its just going to eat at you from in the inside until you don't understand why you feel like such shit anymore. You wont understand why you cant trust anyone anymore. You cant blame others. You were my ally once and i wanted someone so bad to be close to that i could hold onto forever so i latched on to the closing thing to me without thinking once that it might not be the best idea. And none of us, NONE of us would admit fault. Some more than others. And you will continue to live your deadly life of denial until nothing left but a dead feeling.

I can return to that part of town and look for your faces but it pointless. My home isn't with you guys anymore. None of my friends there. They all hold false connections to my past. And Ive complained for so long about my problems that that's all i was. I was just one big fucking issue.

God how much i wished i could just hold you one more time or kiss your cheek one more time. But I've opened my eyes and I'm not afraid to see that i have nothing. Nothing is good. Nothing is fresh. I wont build my home on our graves any longer. I care my home in my soul. Its my obligation to live my life with a passion.

I made a promise to you long ago, that'd id do my best to keep our home. I made promises never to leave, to never forget, to try and do my best for you. But when everyone else gave up and i stayed trying. I felt like shit about myself. Why does everyone leave? why does everyone leave me that i love? the only people around are the ones that i don't even want near me.

Everyone wants to use me. Use the parts of my they love the most. And those parts are so used up. There's nothing left of that. I'm out. I'm dry. I'm going out on my own and finding new resources.

Ive been avoiding this. Ive been avoiding the things i have to do the most making excuses.

i give so much advice to people and never listen to my own. I'm sick of hearing peoples little trivial problems. I just want to tell them " its your fault. you let this happen, you let people treat you like this. how don't you deserve this? how do you not see what you've done?" and i see that I'm telling myself that. and it so pathetic to know that people have their answers in front of them and they REFUSE to change. They refuse to change what they need to do. They say they are trying. But they aren't. Trying is having the intent to fail. Because guess what, the majority of people are weak and they always go back. Go back to hurting themselves and others. Grow up. You're an adult now. Don't you see what you've been left with. Take that and make something out of it.

Anthony green said "its your obligation to go out in life and do something your passionate about. Don't just let this stay here. take these words with you. take this with you and take it out there. I'm so glad that we were able to connect."

And that's all were are all ever doing, Connecting and misconnecting with each other. Passing another by. Missed opportunities.

I'm not angry about my past anymore. I'm not waiting for anyone to come back. I'm not waiting for sorrys because i don't believe you. My love, anything and everything i give you from this point on wont change anything for you. Youre so hopeless. And no don't read this thinking I'm talking about you J. I'm talking to all of you. I'm talking to Matt, Kristina, Alex, David, Henry, Rosa, Andrea, Daniel, Drew, and yes you too Jess. I'm talking to everyone I've every touched and everyone that's every touched me. So many countless nights thinking what they fuck is going on!? How am i losing everyone i ever cared about? How am i losing every person I've ever gave a part of myself to? They were all that mattered to me for a long time. No one else mattered. I just couldn't understand why they didn't love me after everything we had been through. And it simple as this, Life happens.

Its over. Its all finally over between all of us. Its all died and ben buried under ground for so long that I've passed through all the levels of mourning, denial, and anger. I was angry at god for a long tome. but i cant expect him to change my life. He wants me to live my life. Hes not going to interfere. He can only give me clarity. His job was done when he gave me life and his job will start once again when i die. But for now this is on me. And I'm starting over again. I feel so fucking free. And you guys can never hurt me again because the only thing i want for you is happiness and clarity.

Its so sad to see how much pain we have all caused each other. We gave so much of ourselves to hopeless causes. Walking away wasn't an option, but its not giving up its letting go.

Ive struggled to connect with new people and old because nobody ever understood me like those people did. I was so hopeless every time someone tried to be the person i had lost. It angered me. Its just like "be your goddamn self and maybe I'll like you as a person." Everyone tries so hard to be something for someone else. If you as a person isn't enough for the one you want they in reality its not the person you want. You're just fooling yourself. You keep thinking you can change or you can change them but its just not so.

This is the worst I've ever written, I'm not sure if its even making sense. I feel as though I'm trying to force something out. One last message, maybe the life i continue to live from this point on will be the final clear message i send out. Because sometimes words just aren't enough.