Dear Jess,

Ive been dreaming about you. Almost every night. My dreams are days long now, but you always seem to show up in one part or the other. I wish i wouldn't but I'm glad I do because lets be honest that's all i have left. I'm not dwelling on the past I'm just happy to be able to keep some part of it in my subconscious.

Ive been writing about you. I've been meaning to do more with it that just let it sit in a notebook but usually I forget about time and have so much I've been wanting to tell you that I just end up scribbling done page after page.

Ive been thinking about you. If your happy and healthy. I wonder how work and family is treating you and if you've been allowing yourself to let go and at least trying to be happy. I don't expect you to be 100% better because no one is but I hope that you're trying.

Holidays are hard aren't they? Cant believe it's been a year already. Makes me feel old and wondering what the hell I've been doing this whole time. It's crazy how mixed emotions are. I feel like some days when life's all busy and whatnot its easier to not even think about your bruises and the beloved hands that gave them to you and then other days it just follows you everywhere. Its like if you're not here in my real life leave my dreams alone! Or at least that's how i feel. Its so annoying just wanting things to be better and wanting to get over something right away. Monday you miss em, Tuesday you have   them, Wednesday you don't trust them, Thursday you resent them, Friday you end up fighting, Saturday Its over and Sunday you forgot what it felt like to feel anything. Then the cycle begins all over. But for the most part I'm so much better of late.
Funny as it seems, I met someone on Tumblr. Weird right?! I've always been a weird person though you know that. We went to the Circa concert. Not together. I went alone because i wanted to have a memory that in no way could ever be tainted. I wanted that memory for myself. And Oh my god Jess, Anthony Green was saying the most inspirational stuff about being happy and letting go and chasing your dreams. Everyone was crying and screaming and laughing. Everyone in the crowd was letting go of their past for that moment and just being. When Anthony Green jumped in the crowd i grabbed his hand and put my hand on his heart. That moment honestly changed me. But anyways I saw James Wolfgang there. That is his real name by the way. Haha I love it. So I know hes not a pedophile. We've been talking since then. He's so sweet and smart and plays all kinds of instruments and sings. He's perfectly perfect but I dunno somethings missing. He's the closest I've gotten to closeness since you. I feel like its not enough, but I have to be grateful for what I have.
Remember how we always said "I feel bad for the poor guy who is gonna date me next?" I'm trying really hard to not let my problems with trust and closeness affect him. I'm just taking it day by day. I like that he understand certain things about me like depression because he's suffered it for a while too. We share the good and the bad but we are both determined to not let the bad affect and try to improves each other and ourselves. Its good. I'm just trying not to put too much hope into it but at the same time not having my reservations.
One a positive note. I never thought Ryan Gosling was uber attractive until I saw Blue Valentine and saw how dedicated he is and how talented and genuine he is. I've been listening to his band "Dead Man Bones" all month long in preparation for Halloween because its dark gothic music. Anyways I'm mentioning Ryan Gosling because that's who James looks like. A lot. No joke. I'll post a picture so you can be the judge.

That's him. Anyways...... I wanted to tell someone. Actually I wanted to tell you. I don't really talk to anyone much but in a good way. I'm too busy doing my music stuff anyways. People seem to have a lot of their own problems, many of them silly and its not good to get involved. I have a weird thing with being friends with people now. I'm so careful who I allow to get close to me or who i get close to. Just because I dunno people have a lot of issues and secrets and I don't like keeping peoples secrets. Not in a bad way but if you're doing something you're not proud of then you shouldn't be doing it. I'm not about to tell the whole world but if you're hooking up with someone all the time and you're telling someone else you like them its like that's not cool. I don't want to be a part of that and laters.So I've cut ties from bad stuff like that and I've focused on my music.

I've been in the studio recording music with my producer. We were trying to figure out a song and then I had a strong wave of something I could feel. I told him to record and just freestyle on the piano while i sang out whatever came to mind and the end product ended up being a full song. Here's the one take session....

If you're wondering why I'm writing this and why the hell I'm doing this. I don't know Jess. I really don't know. It just feels good to get this off my chest. So many problems come from mixed messages and miscommunication. This just feels right. I'm not expecting anything. I just wanted to say somethings.

I dont want to continue writing letters on this blog. So here:

http://lettersyoumightneversee.blogspot.com/

On Letting Go.

And so it begins. A clean slate. I feel refreshed. I wont ever be able to get to that wonderful and deathly past that Ive held onto for so long now. So its goodbye. I'm finally able to do that.

At the show amongst the screaming fans and energized body my anchor was finally cut free. As Anthony Green spoke his words my burden was lifted. I have done everything that i could, trying to find the reasons to why things were in their state. The anger, resentment, love, and sorrow was lifted.

I don't want to hear the excuses, the apologizes, the reasons. They don't matter anymore. And frankly i don't care about it anymore. I don't want to hear them. Underneath the surface we are all searching for that sweet self acceptance of what happened. The longer it takes the more it went to waste until it was something that we didn't even recognize. A memory that's begun to fade and I've forgotten that feeling of what it was to be with you. And looking back i realize none of it was real. All the actions happened, NONE of the words meant, ever. None of them.

And I'm so freed by that. I'm so happy now. I feel my purpose in life again.

There's nothing that i can possibly say anymore. There's no new words that can change what happened in the past. The truth wont even save you because you don't even want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear what they did wrong. But i know what i did wrong. I lied to myself the entire time. I lied to a friend. I tried to help a lover so he could be happy with me. I let a man with so many problems find a distraction in me. I was looking for so long through so many people. For the love i never felt. And i never got it. But now i love myself because of the feelings that were released in that crowd, all of those people hanging on to every word that he sang. Screaming their hearts out for some sort of salvation that would heal their wounds. My life is changed. And I'm so grateful for what that crowd gave me. I'm so grateful for what those 3 people in my life were able to give me. The only people I've ever loved, but not enough to let them go. I finally can.

So fucking careless with the things you gave out you didn't even realize you were left with nothing and when that happens, you get so fucking lonely and selfish that you will take anything from anyone to feel again. We can say we cared about one another but we didn't because we would of never done those things to each other. People don't hurt the people they love. I am done being the enemy. Done having lies and words spread and manipulated hurting people I tried so desperately to hold onto. Just a burden, that's all we all ever were to each other. And i tried so fucking hard to be perfect for you to try and fix you but when you don't want to change there's not helping you. I am you're enemy. Its not a role i am willing to play anymore. I am you're nothing. I take back everything. I it take it all back and now i give you nothing. So that you wont have anything to resent me for. I wish i could look you in the eyes and tell you that it meant nothing, because it didn't. I wanted it to mean everything, i wanted it to be love but it wasn't. It was loneliness. The only factor that brought us all together.

Ive walked around trying to hard not to tread on anyone. But you know what, everyone you go your going to leave a mark. Accept it. Its our lot in life to take from one another but we got to make sure that we never intentionally steal from another. And i think that's a lesson many still have to learn. If you don't accept the damage you have inflicted on others its just going to eat at you from in the inside until you don't understand why you feel like such shit anymore. You wont understand why you cant trust anyone anymore. You cant blame others. You were my ally once and i wanted someone so bad to be close to that i could hold onto forever so i latched on to the closing thing to me without thinking once that it might not be the best idea. And none of us, NONE of us would admit fault. Some more than others. And you will continue to live your deadly life of denial until nothing left but a dead feeling.

I can return to that part of town and look for your faces but it pointless. My home isn't with you guys anymore. None of my friends there. They all hold false connections to my past. And Ive complained for so long about my problems that that's all i was. I was just one big fucking issue.

God how much i wished i could just hold you one more time or kiss your cheek one more time. But I've opened my eyes and I'm not afraid to see that i have nothing. Nothing is good. Nothing is fresh. I wont build my home on our graves any longer. I care my home in my soul. Its my obligation to live my life with a passion.

I made a promise to you long ago, that'd id do my best to keep our home. I made promises never to leave, to never forget, to try and do my best for you. But when everyone else gave up and i stayed trying. I felt like shit about myself. Why does everyone leave? why does everyone leave me that i love? the only people around are the ones that i don't even want near me.

Everyone wants to use me. Use the parts of my they love the most. And those parts are so used up. There's nothing left of that. I'm out. I'm dry. I'm going out on my own and finding new resources.

Ive been avoiding this. Ive been avoiding the things i have to do the most making excuses.

i give so much advice to people and never listen to my own. I'm sick of hearing peoples little trivial problems. I just want to tell them " its your fault. you let this happen, you let people treat you like this. how don't you deserve this? how do you not see what you've done?" and i see that I'm telling myself that. and it so pathetic to know that people have their answers in front of them and they REFUSE to change. They refuse to change what they need to do. They say they are trying. But they aren't. Trying is having the intent to fail. Because guess what, the majority of people are weak and they always go back. Go back to hurting themselves and others. Grow up. You're an adult now. Don't you see what you've been left with. Take that and make something out of it.

Anthony green said "its your obligation to go out in life and do something your passionate about. Don't just let this stay here. take these words with you. take this with you and take it out there. I'm so glad that we were able to connect."

And that's all were are all ever doing, Connecting and misconnecting with each other. Passing another by. Missed opportunities.

I'm not angry about my past anymore. I'm not waiting for anyone to come back. I'm not waiting for sorrys because i don't believe you. My love, anything and everything i give you from this point on wont change anything for you. Youre so hopeless. And no don't read this thinking I'm talking about you J. I'm talking to all of you. I'm talking to Matt, Kristina, Alex, David, Henry, Rosa, Andrea, Daniel, Drew, and yes you too Jess. I'm talking to everyone I've every touched and everyone that's every touched me. So many countless nights thinking what they fuck is going on!? How am i losing everyone i ever cared about? How am i losing every person I've ever gave a part of myself to? They were all that mattered to me for a long time. No one else mattered. I just couldn't understand why they didn't love me after everything we had been through. And it simple as this, Life happens.

Its over. Its all finally over between all of us. Its all died and ben buried under ground for so long that I've passed through all the levels of mourning, denial, and anger. I was angry at god for a long tome. but i cant expect him to change my life. He wants me to live my life. Hes not going to interfere. He can only give me clarity. His job was done when he gave me life and his job will start once again when i die. But for now this is on me. And I'm starting over again. I feel so fucking free. And you guys can never hurt me again because the only thing i want for you is happiness and clarity.

Its so sad to see how much pain we have all caused each other. We gave so much of ourselves to hopeless causes. Walking away wasn't an option, but its not giving up its letting go.

Ive struggled to connect with new people and old because nobody ever understood me like those people did. I was so hopeless every time someone tried to be the person i had lost. It angered me. Its just like "be your goddamn self and maybe I'll like you as a person." Everyone tries so hard to be something for someone else. If you as a person isn't enough for the one you want they in reality its not the person you want. You're just fooling yourself. You keep thinking you can change or you can change them but its just not so.

This is the worst I've ever written, I'm not sure if its even making sense. I feel as though I'm trying to force something out. One last message, maybe the life i continue to live from this point on will be the final clear message i send out. Because sometimes words just aren't enough.

Hello stranger,

Ive gone through them.Accepted them, invited them and used them up.
Searching searching searching for the reassurance you use to give.
I look into the eyes of every stranger looking for it,
Looking for you.
I cant find you.
I cant find me.
What was us?
A lie, a deception, yes.
But it was my home.
And in my best and in my worst i knew i had a home.
I might be healthier now but i lack a home.
I want it back more than anything.
Time passes and some times its easy but it seems now to be surrounding me more than ever.
I think about you every day.
And no its not sick. Its normal.
Because that's love.
And no not everyone will understand.
I resent the people who think they know me and want to get closer to me.
They aren't you. If they aren't you, i don't want them.
They don't know me, you do.
I miss you.
And against all the advice that people try to give me.
"Forget that part of your past, move on."
"Don't think about them Paulina, they don't think about you."
And it hurts me to think.... that maybe you don't think about me.
Maybe Matthew doesn't think about me either.
But how could you not?
I don't think everything we had was a lie.
I loved you and i still do,
The problem is that i will never stop loving you.
For the rest of my existence i will love you forever.
I could try to go on and on but no words will be able to convey this overwhelming feeling...


I've been trying to forget, to let go.
But its hard to let go when everywhere i go i hear your echo.
You are my shadow that follows me during the day and consumes me at night.
Shadows on my mirrors, my walls, my bed.
I sleep with a lamp on so that maybe it will shed some light on what I'm left here to deal with.
Just tell me. I near to hear the words from your perfectly formed lips that drip with sweet venom.
Tell me you don't want to see me again. That you don't want to hear my voice. Tell me that you don't want my comfort my understanding, my arms to hold you when you cry. I need to hear.
I feel left without an explanation to many things. Alas i said the words i dreaded the most. Now i wonder if I've been left behind or just forgotten. Should i keep the patience and wait till you need me next? I feel so over used but when i look into your bright eyes it doesn't seem to matter anymore because this makes sense. And you feel it too maybe that's why you run. You can hardly deny me once i spew my words that stick to you like some sort of disease. I am afraid that I'm just too good with words. I don't want to change your mind. Just open your eyes. Maybe i should open mine. We need to see whats really there or not. All i know is... I fell apart in your arms for the last time and i felt free to be who i am because of the things you told me.
I fear to show any sign of weakness to you for fear that you might  consider it a terminal flaw and you consider ,e too much of a risk. I wish you could see the risk isn't of importance. Life is lived just once and as long as we are trying to make the most of it and trying that's all that should matter. When one gives up the other helps but when both do then life just becomes platonic. There are no lows but  there are no highs! No love, no life lived, I'd much rather live on the edge and see the view and how far i have to fall, than live on the plains and never be able to look beyond the horizon, but no matter where you are the sun always sets. So we must put our faith in the moon, which never sets, never leaves the sky but must wait patiently for its time to glow and shed its milky light upon us. I am the moon and you are my eternal blazing sun.

Numb.

Is it so bad to be sad?
So frowned upon to have a frown on?
I moved out and away
from what was suppose to be home
because it was dragging me down
And in with a friend
i thought it was the end
to my loneliess and self loathing
but now i wear my masks like clothing
I fear im losing that high
of temporary change
and its all coming back again
the depression, the overwhelming loneliness
and i fear if i tell anyone i need help they will back away
as they did before. and they wont want me anymore.
No one loves the sick and hurt.
No one wants to be around that .
I seek comfort in human contact
Under clothes and under sheets
But it only leaves a deeper hole to fill
I am forever chasing the feeling of the first time of happiness and love
ive gone to hell and back and even prayed to above
Im wearing this feeling out like a glove
No amount of smoke can cloud the pain
No amount of pills can kill the numbness
No amount of drinks can drown the sorrow
That there will be no happiness in tomorrow.
I am afraid and no one will help.
I am afraid no one will help.

Flashback.

This numbness that overwhelms us is something that comes with broken trust.We try to hold it all in & hold ourselves up, pretending like we never fell into this rut.
The people we choose seem to be the ones we always lose
Like picking the prettiest flowers only to see them die is our arms after a few hours.
Its funny how you re even alarmed,
Life never went the way that you wanted, always an arms length away keeping you taunted.
So lets go back to the beginning to where this all began,
When you saw the world for what it was, dropped it all and ran.
Far far away as far as you could go, before you were even taught the meaning of no.
Wishing you could shrink up and crawl back inside her womb.
Seem to be the only place for you that there was ever room,
To form, grow and eventually develop
Into something more than just another setup
Take it farther back when you were just an idea
Funny how pain never was named in this game.
Thrown out into the world, without the slightest clue
Of what it meant to be alive and how to keep to you.
Truth is we are all just a bunch of misconceptions
Always on the search for the better connection
How can there be an end when you cant remember the beginning
Always on the downside, doesn't matter if you're winning
Let me know to Let it go just as soon as i begin to show
The truth is too much, but its the only thing i clutch.

Flow.

All i know is lately I've been dreaming
But I'm to high to remember
Or maybe to low underground
Dreaming plugged in
Notes of memories
How do you feel though
I don't know
Days passed where I knew
And this feeling is new
I don't know anything at all
All i lost forever
Cant tell whether
I'm changed or the same
With a different outlook
Because of the things you took
Am i dying or just recognizing
A deeper meaning
All i know is the older we get
The more i regret
Everything lost
And nothings been found
Memories unwind
And I am unwound
Tumbling down into daydreams and nightmares
Cant tell if I'm there anymore
My minds feeling sore
Of nothing more than all these chores
And these gatherings of burdens
But maybe I'm learning
A measurements difference
And I would of been dead
But I'm left here reminiscing instead
These bitter moods draining
And I cant stop complaining
But not to any faces
My mirror can all take
Because people will break
Under the pressure of the world
Under the pressure of my mind
And how it all works
And like clockwork
Its all repetition
Seemingly I never listen
To my reflection
This hell hole
You're happier about my life than I
But only because you don't get why
When what or how
I am this way now
One and one is two
But one with me and zero with you is none
Funny how I'm alive
After we've been done
i might not be in a logical place
But that's where I'm found
You moved me around
And I cant find a trace
Of where Ive been left
Being pierced with a rusty spear
Infections spread without you near
I intake the worst
Just to have something to feel
To replace this nothingness
Left in the wilderness with wet matches
A sorry excuse of existence
Insane how it shifts
The feet I walked before is no more
I dont want to start this life
This path in a new direction
Its the interception i mind
because it isnt mine
Same questions
Different answers
Same feeling
A years difference is all it takes
to recognize old mistakes
I get out of here soon
But not soon enough
How hard do i have to press
To get some sort of reaction
Just a small infraction
Would be a miracle of a difference
But its already been made
With the ideas that I've laid.

Listen.

Ask me for advice

But just first take a look at your life

How many lives have you lived because of love

How many of you have died because of love

How many of you have questions what is above

Because you’ve been left below

Digging Digging Digging

For some sort of reason

Some sort of scientific explanation

For why you’re tied down when you want to be free

But that’s just gravity

So don’t blame it on her, him, or me.

Your life, your choice, your responsibility

And I know about depression

Because I was born again in a facility

I was shown how to expand my mental capacity

Sitting in a room full of sedated insanity.

Because I was full already

Full of sadness

Full of pills

Full of hypocrisy

Full of shit

Call me crazy

Wish you understood

So maybe you could stand

On your own

And withstand.

Wish you were here

To lend me an ear

We all need advice

To be told more than twice

That we deserve the best in life

But id be a lie to say we don’t lie

So we can only rely

On those that have survived

Take knowledge from those who went to college

Learn a lesson from someone who had less than

Take an idea, respond with an onomatopoeia

Like BOOM! A new thought in your mind

Take my advice…

And question your life.

Don’t do it just for you.

Do it from her, him and me.

Because how the hell are we suppose to live peacefully

When we live life for just ourselves so selfishly.

Take it and question yourself religiously

Like it’s a test and failure is anything below a C

See why you do things?

See how you react?

See why it is that you prefer dogs over cats.

Ask why you prefer life over choice

Or why for some things you have a voice

I could go on and on

But that’d be wrong

Because this isn’t an integration

Its instigation

An internal investigation

Questioning yourself without hesitation

Speaking out without deliberation

Word vomit

And if you’re really on it

You’ll be running around unable to sit

Putting on glasses

and looking at trees

and saying mom I can finally see the leaves

I can see the roots

And I can see the solution.

Now I’m finally ready to draw a conclusion

So take my advice

Take it hard

Takes soft

Take it daily with a side of rice

You’re finally ready to live your life