Explanation: I was going through a rough breakup in 2009 dealing with infidelity.
I've found happiness in my loneliness.
I find peace under stress.
I can now breathe underwater.
I can see when it's dark out.
I've moved on from you.
All the shit that you put me through.
And now I look at myself saying
How could I really not see
That all I needed was me
To make myself so happy.
I don't need anyone else.
I don't need anyone's help.
Why can't you see that by not being me
And by being you, through and through
Was only gonna hurt you and I.
Now I apologize, to myself for wasting my time and believing your lies.
But now I've moved on and i got no time for goodbyes.
I can speak for myself.
Because my mouth isn't yours.
And I know that I'm done
With all of you and all of your whores.
It's been three years together
But all I need are three days
To figure out that you wronged me
In so many ways.
Maybe I won't find myself loving another somebody
Sooner or later I'll know alone is better than you cheating with anybody.
I used to get cheated on by you on a daily basis.
And everywhere that I look now I'm finding the traces
Because if you plant your seed
I'm gonna find you by the weeds.
Because your a mister big shot with oh so many needs.
No matter what you say.
No matter how you plead
I'm gonna say no.
Because I want you to go.
The weeds of lies that you tell just keep growing and growing.
No matter how cheap and no matter how good your stories are flowing.
But I don't care anymore.
I'm taking care of myself.
I'm good and I'm gone.
I don't need nobody else.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Testing... Testing... One. Two. Three.
Is there anyone listening?
Will you stay, not for now but forever
Is there anybody out there, feeling what I feel?
If you've ever had to wait for something.
August 27, 2010 7:06pm
Waiting is the hard part.
The anticipation rising
What will happen
Hasn't been told yet
Waiting makes your mind race
Oh the possibilities.
What could be said
Hasn't been formed yet.
Waiting makes you want it more.
Every desire left unexplored.
What will happen when you come?
The situation hasn't risen yet.
Waiting isn't hard.
It's the fact that.
I don't know.
When your coming back.
The anticipation rising
What will happen
Hasn't been told yet
Waiting makes your mind race
Oh the possibilities.
What could be said
Hasn't been formed yet.
Waiting makes you want it more.
Every desire left unexplored.
What will happen when you come?
The situation hasn't risen yet.
Waiting isn't hard.
It's the fact that.
I don't know.
When your coming back.
Sentence of Solitude.
And you dont feel like living.
Just come to me.
I'll always be here.
When nobody's home
And you feel all alone.
Just knock on my door
I'm always here.
No matter what's wrong
or whatever you did
Don't feel alone
I'm always here.
Just knock on my door.
And you'll find me sitting,
in my chair.
I'm always here...
All that I know is I'm falling.
Maybe it is indescribable because you cannot manipulate it. It cannot be manipulated by words. Edited. Revised. Exaggerated. It simply is. It simply exists.
Maybe that is why it is so unattainable and so sought after. You cannot grasp it in your hand or hold it to your chest because it is simply a feeling, felt deep in your soul but it is just passing through. Soon it will be nothing but a sweet memory lost in the corner of your mind. It does not live. It's life span was quite short, just an experience. It does not live. It merely exists.
It doesn't have a creator. And that is why it belongs to no one. Fleeting from person to person. Each felt different, every experience unique. It cannot be felt the same twice. You cannot force it, just like you cannot make it come to you. It simply is.
It is like a flame. Held too close to your heart and you'll surely burn and have the scars to prove it. It can quickly become out of your control and it will run rampant. But it is quite beautiful to watch and you stand still to watch it all burn down, mesmerized by the flame of anguished love.
It is love. Simply put. Always exsisiting. Let it be.
Maybe that is why it is so unattainable and so sought after. You cannot grasp it in your hand or hold it to your chest because it is simply a feeling, felt deep in your soul but it is just passing through. Soon it will be nothing but a sweet memory lost in the corner of your mind. It does not live. It's life span was quite short, just an experience. It does not live. It merely exists.
It doesn't have a creator. And that is why it belongs to no one. Fleeting from person to person. Each felt different, every experience unique. It cannot be felt the same twice. You cannot force it, just like you cannot make it come to you. It simply is.
It is like a flame. Held too close to your heart and you'll surely burn and have the scars to prove it. It can quickly become out of your control and it will run rampant. But it is quite beautiful to watch and you stand still to watch it all burn down, mesmerized by the flame of anguished love.
It is love. Simply put. Always exsisiting. Let it be.
This is It.
Do I really want to know you?
Yes, I do but I don't want to ruin the perfect illusion that i have of you already imprinted in my mind. I am afraid that if we get close then that illusion, which attracted me so fiercely, will fade once i truly know you. Once I learn your flaws, see your vulnerability, and fall victim to your mistakes, I worry I will not see you in the same pure light. So do I see you or do I keep you instead as a perfect memory? The moment you open your mouth, the identity I have formed for you will begin to unravel. Other people have proven me right. Most people will let you down when you really get to know them. They are never that honest or that righteous or even sometimes never as interesting as you thought them to be in the first place. And then you feel guilty and start to blame yourself. "Why do i do this? Why do i always do this? Why must i always think ahead and plan this little imaginary future in my head." No one ever is going to live up to your expectation and you start holding on so tight because you think maybe i can change them. I can help make them the person they really are. I can help make them better. But you cant... because that's not really who they are. Plus you want to love someone who for they truly are. That's the problem with alot of people. They try to be more interesting for each other. So that someone will find them more likeable, so that they have some kind of common ground where they can meet halfway. If you play your cards right the person might just like you. But once you really get to know each other you realize how much of a lie it is and how your now sharing a bed with a stranger and a liar but then you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you see the same exact thing staring straight back at you. You start to cause all these problems for yourself. And then every reason why you were attracted to this friend or lover begins to fade but your dependency on them does not. You still completely attached to them. And you cant get them out of your head and you cant remember a day in your life that they werent there. You start to think that you were really born the day you met them and that you'll cease to exisit the moment they leave. This is the desperate point in your life you have finally reached? Really..... Is it really worth it? Because your starting to look really weak to your friends and you dont even recognize yourself because your so damn pathetic and dependent on them. Like a brand of heroin. No will ever be able to give you that high that they did but you take it anyways just so that you dont feel the numbing nothingness. And we all know that it never ends well. Its a messy affair, the ending of any type of relationship.
Ive always been the type of person to lie to myself to make it easier. To get over things quicker i lie to myself but never to anyone else. But... at the same time if you are lying to yourself then every word out of your mouth in a lie. but anyways, I lie to myself saying "Fake that smile till one day it's real. Fake it till you make it I guess." I lie to myself saying I don't care about you as much as I think I do. That I can get closer to you and then still be able to wake up the next morning and not be filled with thoughts of you. That I still have to power to walk away from you whenever I want. That is the biggest lie I told myself lately. I tell myself I don't care about my father and that he never had any affect in my life. I tell myself that I don't need any friends. That I'm better off alone. I need to be my own best friend so that when I'm alone I'll still be okay. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. All just to make us feel better about the current situation we are stuck in.
Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to to get yourself out though. Its the placebo affect. That's what I use to think about prayer. Your praying to a wall, no one is listening. But at the same time those empty prayers bounce off that wall and sink back into your brain. Prayer is time given to yourself for contemplation. It gives you time to say " Here are my exact problems. They need to be solved" You are in reality praying to yourself. Giving yourself the ultimatum that you are going to stop complaining and your going to find the solution. In prayer you give yourself clarity and you give yourself strength to continue. I use to pray every night to believe. I would beg and plead "God are you out there? I know your out there. Why aren't you listening to me? I'm really trying here. Why have you forsaken me? Please give me the strength to believe in you. That's all i want, is to follow you." I wanted purpose in my life. I needed to live for something because i had nothing. I realized that i was being blind. That i had forsaken him. I realized that i just needed to walk blindly and to trust. I had put my trust before in people and of course they were going to fail. They were human. We were made to fail and to succeed. I had learned to be let down. I realized that no matter what. I was not alone. And that was what really got me out of the hole I have been in lately. No matter what happens, loss of friends, lovers, job, or health, I am not alone. And I never will be.
I am not dead. So I must be alive. That's how I got through alot of the stuff going on recently. Just been trying but it's trying that matters. Do you think we can live forever? No but we live anyway, and it sure as hell is worth pushing back death that much more. Maybe we'll never get peace. But we might as well try.
And no, not for any god or gods, not because some book tells us to, not because it's a divine right or because it is our destiny. We should try because there is nothing else; because we have to make the best of what there is, because this is it.
Yes, I do but I don't want to ruin the perfect illusion that i have of you already imprinted in my mind. I am afraid that if we get close then that illusion, which attracted me so fiercely, will fade once i truly know you. Once I learn your flaws, see your vulnerability, and fall victim to your mistakes, I worry I will not see you in the same pure light. So do I see you or do I keep you instead as a perfect memory? The moment you open your mouth, the identity I have formed for you will begin to unravel. Other people have proven me right. Most people will let you down when you really get to know them. They are never that honest or that righteous or even sometimes never as interesting as you thought them to be in the first place. And then you feel guilty and start to blame yourself. "Why do i do this? Why do i always do this? Why must i always think ahead and plan this little imaginary future in my head." No one ever is going to live up to your expectation and you start holding on so tight because you think maybe i can change them. I can help make them the person they really are. I can help make them better. But you cant... because that's not really who they are. Plus you want to love someone who for they truly are. That's the problem with alot of people. They try to be more interesting for each other. So that someone will find them more likeable, so that they have some kind of common ground where they can meet halfway. If you play your cards right the person might just like you. But once you really get to know each other you realize how much of a lie it is and how your now sharing a bed with a stranger and a liar but then you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you see the same exact thing staring straight back at you. You start to cause all these problems for yourself. And then every reason why you were attracted to this friend or lover begins to fade but your dependency on them does not. You still completely attached to them. And you cant get them out of your head and you cant remember a day in your life that they werent there. You start to think that you were really born the day you met them and that you'll cease to exisit the moment they leave. This is the desperate point in your life you have finally reached? Really..... Is it really worth it? Because your starting to look really weak to your friends and you dont even recognize yourself because your so damn pathetic and dependent on them. Like a brand of heroin. No will ever be able to give you that high that they did but you take it anyways just so that you dont feel the numbing nothingness. And we all know that it never ends well. Its a messy affair, the ending of any type of relationship.
Ive always been the type of person to lie to myself to make it easier. To get over things quicker i lie to myself but never to anyone else. But... at the same time if you are lying to yourself then every word out of your mouth in a lie. but anyways, I lie to myself saying "Fake that smile till one day it's real. Fake it till you make it I guess." I lie to myself saying I don't care about you as much as I think I do. That I can get closer to you and then still be able to wake up the next morning and not be filled with thoughts of you. That I still have to power to walk away from you whenever I want. That is the biggest lie I told myself lately. I tell myself I don't care about my father and that he never had any affect in my life. I tell myself that I don't need any friends. That I'm better off alone. I need to be my own best friend so that when I'm alone I'll still be okay. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. All just to make us feel better about the current situation we are stuck in.
Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to to get yourself out though. Its the placebo affect. That's what I use to think about prayer. Your praying to a wall, no one is listening. But at the same time those empty prayers bounce off that wall and sink back into your brain. Prayer is time given to yourself for contemplation. It gives you time to say " Here are my exact problems. They need to be solved" You are in reality praying to yourself. Giving yourself the ultimatum that you are going to stop complaining and your going to find the solution. In prayer you give yourself clarity and you give yourself strength to continue. I use to pray every night to believe. I would beg and plead "God are you out there? I know your out there. Why aren't you listening to me? I'm really trying here. Why have you forsaken me? Please give me the strength to believe in you. That's all i want, is to follow you." I wanted purpose in my life. I needed to live for something because i had nothing. I realized that i was being blind. That i had forsaken him. I realized that i just needed to walk blindly and to trust. I had put my trust before in people and of course they were going to fail. They were human. We were made to fail and to succeed. I had learned to be let down. I realized that no matter what. I was not alone. And that was what really got me out of the hole I have been in lately. No matter what happens, loss of friends, lovers, job, or health, I am not alone. And I never will be.
I am not dead. So I must be alive. That's how I got through alot of the stuff going on recently. Just been trying but it's trying that matters. Do you think we can live forever? No but we live anyway, and it sure as hell is worth pushing back death that much more. Maybe we'll never get peace. But we might as well try.
And no, not for any god or gods, not because some book tells us to, not because it's a divine right or because it is our destiny. We should try because there is nothing else; because we have to make the best of what there is, because this is it.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Men of men before all else.
People play the victim. Everyone makes excuses for why they are the way they are and why they are there. No one is brainwashed. They are just content with their mediocre state of mind and claim otherwise when someone calls them out on their charade.
I feel like I would be lying to myself if I said I was above that influence. Am I a challenger or a victim? Am I genuine or do I just know how to play the game so well that I can fool everyone including myself into thinking I am above it all.
Do I truly want to see or would I rather stay blind? Being blind i am pleasantly unaware of what is out there. But if I do choose to see, will I be ignorant with that gift and only choose to view subjects pleasent to me. Will I be too ignorant still to really see?
We are selfish creatures us human beings. As much as we want to be otherwise, we are men before we are anything else. We are men before we are fathers, lovers, friends... We are men of Christ. Never anything more.
Maybe that is why everyone who plays the savior fails. You can attempt to rescue people who have condemed themselves but they aren't trapped in a cage. If you look closely you'll see their bindings are loose. The chains are there just for the theatrics. They chose to be where they are. Trapped by their own failings. Even the most purest of soul and mind are dragged down. Dismayed by all the twisted around them. No man is above the force of man. No man above the force of temptation. Each being has their limit.
Each man will give in at some point. Everyone is predictable in which they will all fail. Don't see me as a pessimist though. I do see beauty in success. I just see the corrupt trail it takes most to get there.
Where did originality originate from? Has there been anything truly unique since the beginning of time? Everything is copied, inspired, and remembered from a past subject. Every life is an experiment of what will happen of you expose them to this or neglect them of that. It is the parable of the sower. Only some will flourish. And it's all on chance. Is there destiny in life? No I think not. And if there is then destiny must be a woman for she is cruel. To witness those who are corrupt succeed and those who are pure fail is a terrible sight to see. It is all by chance that miracles happen. You are the chosen patient who was given a second chance while the man next door who is much more deserving breathes his final breathes. There is no such thing as karma. Just about time something good happened. And still some even know what it is to have any good in their life. Some never know the taste of success.
We are all equally guarenteed everything but we chose to steal anything that will go unnoticed from one another. To lie and cheat one another for a quicker payout of happiness. Why is that? I once asked a man why he was unfaithful to his longtime wife and his response was simply "because I can I suppose." That type of man with power is a man to be feared. The men who do it just because they can and because they like to see the world burn and for no other reason. Everyone is burnt by someone else and they spent the rest of their life trying not to get close enough to get burnt once again. The scars they carry as a sign for others to stay away but it's too bad these scars are in a place which is not visible. Those who aren't damaged are burned by those who have been too much. And so they cycle continues.
We love to play with fire? We know it is forbidden but it seduces our starved eyes, lonely minds and selfish hearts. And then we runaway as soon as things get out of control. We don't want to see what destruction we have left behind. So runaway. Try and leave. But no matter what you cannot leave this world. Even in space you rely on substances of earth. You cannot truly be free from anyone or anything because you are man. Men are manmade.
I feel like I would be lying to myself if I said I was above that influence. Am I a challenger or a victim? Am I genuine or do I just know how to play the game so well that I can fool everyone including myself into thinking I am above it all.
Do I truly want to see or would I rather stay blind? Being blind i am pleasantly unaware of what is out there. But if I do choose to see, will I be ignorant with that gift and only choose to view subjects pleasent to me. Will I be too ignorant still to really see?
We are selfish creatures us human beings. As much as we want to be otherwise, we are men before we are anything else. We are men before we are fathers, lovers, friends... We are men of Christ. Never anything more.
Maybe that is why everyone who plays the savior fails. You can attempt to rescue people who have condemed themselves but they aren't trapped in a cage. If you look closely you'll see their bindings are loose. The chains are there just for the theatrics. They chose to be where they are. Trapped by their own failings. Even the most purest of soul and mind are dragged down. Dismayed by all the twisted around them. No man is above the force of man. No man above the force of temptation. Each being has their limit.
Each man will give in at some point. Everyone is predictable in which they will all fail. Don't see me as a pessimist though. I do see beauty in success. I just see the corrupt trail it takes most to get there.
Where did originality originate from? Has there been anything truly unique since the beginning of time? Everything is copied, inspired, and remembered from a past subject. Every life is an experiment of what will happen of you expose them to this or neglect them of that. It is the parable of the sower. Only some will flourish. And it's all on chance. Is there destiny in life? No I think not. And if there is then destiny must be a woman for she is cruel. To witness those who are corrupt succeed and those who are pure fail is a terrible sight to see. It is all by chance that miracles happen. You are the chosen patient who was given a second chance while the man next door who is much more deserving breathes his final breathes. There is no such thing as karma. Just about time something good happened. And still some even know what it is to have any good in their life. Some never know the taste of success.
We are all equally guarenteed everything but we chose to steal anything that will go unnoticed from one another. To lie and cheat one another for a quicker payout of happiness. Why is that? I once asked a man why he was unfaithful to his longtime wife and his response was simply "because I can I suppose." That type of man with power is a man to be feared. The men who do it just because they can and because they like to see the world burn and for no other reason. Everyone is burnt by someone else and they spent the rest of their life trying not to get close enough to get burnt once again. The scars they carry as a sign for others to stay away but it's too bad these scars are in a place which is not visible. Those who aren't damaged are burned by those who have been too much. And so they cycle continues.
We love to play with fire? We know it is forbidden but it seduces our starved eyes, lonely minds and selfish hearts. And then we runaway as soon as things get out of control. We don't want to see what destruction we have left behind. So runaway. Try and leave. But no matter what you cannot leave this world. Even in space you rely on substances of earth. You cannot truly be free from anyone or anything because you are man. Men are manmade.
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