This is It.

Do I really want to know you?
Yes, I do but I don't want to ruin the perfect illusion that i have of you already imprinted in my mind. I am afraid that if we get close then that illusion, which attracted me so fiercely, will fade once i truly know you. Once I learn your flaws, see your vulnerability, and fall victim to your mistakes, I worry I will not see you in the same pure light. So do I see you or do I keep you instead as a perfect memory? The moment you open your mouth, the identity I have formed for you will begin to unravel. Other people have proven me right. Most people will let you down when you really get to know them. They are never that honest or that righteous or even sometimes never as interesting as you thought them to be in the first place. And then you feel guilty and start to blame yourself. "Why do i do this? Why do i always do this? Why must i always think ahead and plan this little imaginary future in my head." No one ever is going to live up to your expectation and you start holding on so tight because you think maybe i can change them. I can help make them the person they really are. I can help make them better. But you cant... because that's not really who they are. Plus you want to love someone who for they truly are. That's the problem with alot of people. They try to be more interesting for each other. So that someone will find them more likeable, so that they have some kind of common ground where they can meet halfway. If you play your cards right the person might just like you. But once you really get to know each other you realize how much of a lie it is and how your now sharing a bed with a stranger and a liar but then you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you see the same exact thing staring straight back at you.  You start to cause all these problems for yourself. And then every reason why you were attracted to this friend or lover begins to fade but your dependency on them does not. You still completely attached to them. And you cant get them out of your head and you cant remember a day in your life that they werent there. You start to think that you were really born the day you met them and that you'll cease to exisit the moment they leave. This is the desperate point in your life you have finally reached? Really..... Is it really worth it? Because your starting to look really weak to your friends and you dont even recognize yourself because your so damn pathetic and dependent on them. Like a brand of heroin. No will ever be able to give you that high that they did but you take it anyways just so that you dont feel the numbing nothingness. And we all know that it never ends well. Its a messy affair, the ending of any type of relationship.
Ive always been the type of person to lie to myself to make it easier. To get over things quicker i lie to myself but never to anyone else. But... at the same time if you are lying to yourself then every word out of your mouth in a lie. but anyways, I lie to myself saying "Fake that smile till one day it's real. Fake it till you make it I guess." I lie to myself saying I don't care about you as much as I think I do. That I can get closer to you and then still be able to wake up the next morning and not be filled with thoughts of you. That I still have to power to walk away from you whenever I want. That is the biggest lie I told myself lately. I tell myself I don't care about my father and that he never had any affect in my life. I tell myself that I don't need any friends. That I'm better off alone. I need to be my own best friend so that when I'm alone I'll still be okay. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. All just to make us feel better about the current situation we are stuck in.
Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to to get yourself out though. Its the placebo affect. That's what I use to think about prayer. Your praying to a wall, no one is listening. But at the same time those empty prayers bounce off that wall and sink back into your brain. Prayer is time given to yourself for contemplation. It gives you time to say " Here are my exact problems. They need to be solved" You are in reality praying to yourself. Giving yourself the ultimatum that you are going to stop complaining and your going to find the solution. In prayer you give yourself clarity and you give yourself strength to continue. I use to pray every night to believe. I would beg and plead "God are you out there? I know your out there. Why aren't you listening to me? I'm really trying here. Why have you forsaken me? Please give me the strength to believe in you. That's all i want, is to follow you." I wanted purpose in my life. I needed to live for something because i had nothing. I realized that i was being blind. That i had forsaken him. I realized that i just needed to walk blindly and to trust. I had put my trust before in people and of course they were going to fail. They were human. We were made to fail and to succeed. I had learned to be let down. I realized that no matter what. I was not alone. And that was what really got me out of the hole I have been in lately. No matter what happens, loss of friends, lovers, job, or health, I am not alone. And I never will be.
I am not dead. So I must be alive. That's how I got through alot of the stuff going on recently. Just been trying but it's trying that matters. Do you think we can live forever? No but we live anyway, and it sure as hell is worth pushing back death that much more. Maybe we'll never get peace. But we might as well try.
And no, not for any god or gods, not because some book tells us to, not because it's a divine right or because it is our destiny. We should try because there is nothing else; because we have to make the best of what there is, because this is it.