If I could get that time wasted on you back.

Never be in a relationship where you don't feel like you were ever good enough or like you had to change something about yourself. It is a terrible thing and it makes you hate yourself. You simply have to realize things aren't working and walk away. That's the hardest part though. Walking away before it gets messy. I haven't even mastered that yet.  You never want to be with someone because it didn't work out with someone else. Don't ever make anyone your second option because you don't want to be alone. That's really selfish. It causes alot of damage. I think that's a major problem that we all have as a whole. People are very selfish and think mostly about what benefits them.
I've had my share of unhealthy relationships. Hell, all of my relationships were unhealthy because I was trying to change the men I was with. They were both cheaters and I stayed longer than I needed to because I thought that I could change them. Infidelity is such an ugly thing. I can forgive a mistake. We are only human and bound to give in to temptation. Even the strongest men will fail. The thing is you never really get that trust back and that is what can be fatal to a relationship. My ex of 3 years taught me a valuable lesson. You cannot change someone. No matter how much you beg or plead or cry. Nothing will change someone but themselves. I can remember so many damn times that I had friends tell me about how they had heard or seen something. I wouldn't believe them or he would always have some clever little story to explain why he was there and what happened. I would even go to eat dinner at a restaurant and the girl that was my waitress would be a girl he had cheated on me with. I would see pictures and messages and I chose to ignore it.
Love is a very powerful thing. Put in the wrong hands, it really is a weapon. My adoration for him made me blind to what was going on. And even when I did see I would chose to not pay attention. Every night it was the same routine. Confrontation. He would get angry that I doubted him and usually ignore me and I would be calling and calling and begging him to just tell me the truth. And at the end of the night, it always ended with and "I love you and I promise I wont ever lie to you again."
I rememeber that first part distinctly. I would always beg him "Please just tell me everything now and i'll forgive you." I really did mean it, but he never told me. And when I would find out from a friend telling me or some other way he would be like, "Well now you know do you forgive me?"
I was really stupid. It was my first semester in college and while I was in my classes I would have people textng me stuff and I would break down and have to leave class to telephone him. Again I say it, I was really stupid and immature about it. I should of focused on school. I failed that entire semester. I dont blame it on that. I didn't have my priorities set straight.
The odd thing is that I never thought I would marry him. Most people who have been together for over a year have at least talked about it you know? We never did. I knew I never wanted to look down the aisle and see his face and know that I would never be able to trust him and that he woud betray me. I don't understand where i thought it was going if we weren't going to end up getting married. Three years is a long time wasted on someone who isn't worth it.
Thats the thing. Once someone has wronged anyone, (the way I see it) They are now capable of doing the same to you. That's why I usually won't go near a guy who is a douche bag to anyone. Cuz who knows if something happens, that could be me on the other side. If someone is not capable of being especially cruel to another being, thats a good sign.
I don't even know where im going with this. I didn't mean to talk about this.
Oh well. At least im finally talking about it.
I think what i want to the most is to get that time back that i wasted. I was so ready to be with him that i avoided all the flashing red signs. I don't think it's a good sign if your boyfriend wins "Biggest Flirt" in highschool. Haha.
I've learned now to see the warning signs.