I could live out my life without a backward glance.

I could live out my life as a hermit on some distant shore. I could live with books for conversation and the stars for company. I could live free. Once you are deep enough in nature and you lose all traces of humanity, you can sit and look up at the sky and be in any time period of the past. I would like to cultivate my own land and stalk my prey. I would like to live with no boundaries except the limitations of my human body but not of my mortal mind. I acknowledge no master. And that is why I feel trapped. I feel statisfied by no human connection, physical or mental. I am forever seeking. I long for the relationship I can have outside of society. I would like to have a companion in all this though. Someone to share these experiences. If I had it my way we would travel and be in furious debate all day and then on others say not one word. Sharing our thoughts on some deeper level of understanding. I want to be able to converse and debate. I want to be challenged physically and mentally. I want to experience the world pleasures of this earth and of my own body. I want to exisit as a part of this world not as a burden. I want to live. 

A Common Feeling.

I loathe it. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I will be lying in my bed, relaxing on a lazy morning. My mind wandering, thinking of a line read from a long lost book and that's when I catch his scent. It's subtle at first but then as I take in a deep breathe it becomes distinctly recognizable. Memories of the of the past begin to flood my mind and I can no longer bear to lay in my own bed. I cannot be sleep where he has slept. The scent wafts under my nose and I begin to realize where its coming from. From my sheets and from the pillow on which he had rested his head. It's transferred to my clothes and hair. Its imprinted on my bare skin. No shower is long enough to wash away those past traces. I cannot scrub away his presence and he will liner on eternally in my mind. I ripped the linens of my bed and stripped down and toss them all in the washer for the hottest cycle possible.  All of this because of a scent....

The Difference Between Who I Am and Who You See.

There are places we can't return
No matter how we yearn
To face our problems and turn
The other cheek to our previous burns
There are truths we can't deny
No matter how much we try
To repress the things we feel
Things nobody should steal
Things done and hidden
Because it's already been forbidden
There are lies we have to tell
Because the truth is destructive as well.
Cant do the things I want
And be someone you want
At the same time.
So it pushes us to spend time lying
To one another.
Because there isn't any other
Option when it comes to living out
Who i am
And who you see.
If you cant fix it, withstand it.
You cant fix me but cant you stand it?
Will you stand by me?
When you start to hate me
You definitely wont always love me
The things you'll see are quite scary
So don't tarry now, if you aren't going to stay
for the long run. eventually the sun goes down.
Hope when the sun goes down,
I'll still see you around.

A man by no other name.

You drive me insane
I wish I could reframe
From thinking your name
Wanting to relieve the pain.
That's tortures your brain.
It's because I feel the same
On a lower level or plane.
And I crane
My neck to gain
Some insight on rain
That's been an pouring endlessly on your terrain.
You might claim
To have never boarded the train
Of the drug injected vein
That is society.
But I know you better.
Than you might think.
I want to save you from drowning
Before you sink.
So rain rain go away
Find some other place to lay.

Who is someone?

He may not be worth it
but now my real feelings surface.
I sit between four walls of light
protected from the dark outside
but not from the darkness inside my mind
I wish I could have some sort of company
a welcome distraction
to dilute the pain, a fraction,
of the strange attraction
to things that never should happen.
It's the hope in life that makes me fight
for love, the shining beacon of light
at the top of an empty structure.
Worried that if it's not there my heart will surely rupture.
From the giant let down of happiness
that all our parents promised us.
Give me a hope
then pull away the rope
watch me scramble
someway I'll handle
the deception I've been served on a silver platter.
Everyday lived the world seems flatter.
Does anything matter?
I do need the hope of a greater purpose
to keep myself afloat at the surface.
But at this point I'm treading water
I'm a woman so I must be a daughter.
But I've been wondering all along where is my great father.
Somewhere in the sky.
My voice won't reach that high.
So I must keep alive that hope
that he will let down that rope
or maybe a ladder
I don't mind the labor.
I prefer the latter.
To work for something
increases it's worth
but if it walks away
I can't buy it back with what's in my purse.
The power of an angel but the selfishness of a man
now seems like a curse.
Attractive at first
but Im getting worse and worse.
No matter how tight
i might hold on to my memories,
they float on.
Up up and away, until there's no reason to stay
all I have are pictures in frames
as a reminder of who was here
but I see them clear
I'm my mind they've been seared.
Forgiven not forgotten.
Don't know what I saw in
people, why I am suprised
everytime they leave.
I could time it like a sunrise.
Or maybe like a sunset
that must explain the upset.
Explain why I fear the dark.
And hopes shoot up at the finest spark.
Up up and away my memories turn into dreams.
And now it seems
that no matter how much people might gleam
a dream in someone is a fantasy.
Something someone like me can't attain.
Just visualize and keep hope
that my time will come
I'll come undone.
My heart will be won
by someone of worth.
Is there anyone on this earth
that can really see me and unslderstand?
Or do I put too much hope in the hands of man?

So after every single lie go ahead and try.

Every single time I try
You show me a different side
It all turns out to be a lie
So don't ask my why
Every single night I cry
Every up wall I put up falls
So don't try and call
You were my one downfall.

I don't know why you attract me so
I guess it's something I'll never know.
It's not that you affect my heart
You effect mind and soul.
I seem to loose all control
And then I feel so cold.
You build me up to break me down.
Pushed them all away for you
So no one is left around.
Nothing left not one word true.

So after telling me a lie
Go ahead and beg and cry
Cuz I ain't gonna even try
To see your better side.
You were born dead not alive.
But you can't reach me with your knife
You can't reach me i'm too high
Even though I held my arms wide
I'm glad I had my pride.
It kept me on my stride.
You can't eat me up alive.
And now your fading like a tide.
And I'm stepping back goodbye
Looking for the next ride.

Walk Away.

It's hard to hear.
And harder to watch.
I'd rather not be there
Yet i wish you good luck.
It's hard to wish the best
To those who once belong to you,
And those who wronged you too.
But I'd rather wish them both the best
And keep my mouth glued.
Although it aches inside my heart
And kills me in my brain
I know that this is the best way.
I know from this i gain,
the strength to find better things
In life and trust and love.
It's best to sometimes walk away,
From those you truly love.