The War Isn't Over

"You realize every time you suit up. Its life or death.
You roll the dice and you deal with it...."

I have mad respect for anyone that has ever served for the states. I've always had this immense pride of being American. I don't know where it really came from. My mother is proud of her background, but I've never felt like anywhere else but California is my home. I would defend it. I know that everyone says that we, as a country, are selfish, ignorant, and greedy. I know that this country has its issues, but it's my home. And I love it. So whenever i meet someone who has served for my nation, I always swell with pride inside. I just want to say "Thank you."
I can't even begin to imagine the life of a solider. The things they see and have to do and are put through.
They seem so scarred when they come back. I've heard it many times, "Once a marine, always a marine." And yes I am quite aware they are not the only ones that serve. Marines are just what I have been exposed to more. I have a few friends that are serving right now and it pains me to see how much they have changed. One of my friends came back for a visit and he looks so old and is the a shadow of who he use to be. He hardly is genuinely happy about anything.
Before I lived where I do now, my room faced a main street. There was this old veteran who would walk by my street every single night at 3 am and from my window i would hear him. He would scream and scream out stories. Wretched stories and even once i heard him narrating "Alice in Wonderland." Which was really odd. But i cant imagine what people have seen to make their brains cope with that damage by scrambling their thoughts. I can't even pretend to know what I'm talking about when it comes to combat but it hurts to see the solders when they come back home. The war isn't over, not for them. It's still in their head.

Lets take a trip and stay in a hotel. Maybe then the truth will be expelled.

There has been something thats been haunting me for a while.
I don't even know how to explain it. I don't know if I'm ready to yet. Maybe that's why I am at lost for words. All i really know is that i really miss them. As many bad  things that happened between us all, they were all part of my life for a reason. Bestfriend and lover. I miss them both. But things have happened that cannot be changed. I don't want to know what goes on behind close doors but for some reason or another I always end up finding out. At least I don't have to see them anymore. Trouble is sometimes I want more than anything to be able to see them and talk to them and hug them but it's literally impossible. I have bipolar feelings about them. I wish so much that none of this ever happened and that I could of just been friends with them both. I can't even begin to imagine the damage that's been inflicted on us both by each other. I know she was delicate when i entered her life. The way more people should be. I makes them aware of the feelings of others. She is one of the most thoughtful people i had met. I don't know when that stopped or it ever was really.... I don't think I'm ready to talk about it quite yet. No I'm definitely not. My emotions shift from anger to sadness to adoration for her. I'm not ready. My insomnia continues.

Just promise me one thing.

Before we start anything
I have to know your in this.
I've been through too many bad relationships.
It's seems like everyone who loves you the most will let you down.
I'm letting you know now
If you let me
And I let myself love you
I will.
With all my heart.
And I'll fight anything to keep us.
So just let me know.
If that's something u want.

Nine knives in my back.

This is a piece a wrote a few months ago. I no longer hold this pessimist point of view but am still a tad apprehensive whenever someone new enters my life.

I feel like all of my life
I've been lied to
Every relationship & friendship
was a lie too.

Everyone tells you what they think
You wanna hear.
I just wanna be told the truth
Save your tears

I can deal with the truth
Because I know what I'm facing
I can't handle the lies
They got me straight up pacing
Back in forth
Across the room
I wonder which one of you is real
Who tells me the truth
Because they know I can deal

I start off each day
With 9 knifes in my back
And I feel paranoid and
I'm tracing my tracks
Each person I meet
On this path of my life
Is just one other person
Holding a knife.

Ever wake up and think what am i doing here?

I cannot tell anyone about this memory but to not repeat it would be to forget it so I'll do the only thing I know how to do. Write. The thing is. You can't trust a memory to be honest. Or to make it more clear you can't trust your memory to remember what happened the way it did. We choose to notice some things more than other or pretend that some things weren't said to preserve the beauty of the memory. Memories once passed are just pictures of dreams that get harder to recall.
I'm not sure what really happened. I'm not sure what was really said now that time has passed since I recall it. I feel like to share with someone those memorable moments wouldn't do anything but cheapen my experience. The importance of it dilutes with every person told. Maybe I wont write about it after all. It's one of my favorite memories. I think i'll let my imagination get the best of me if it wants.

If I could get that time wasted on you back.

Never be in a relationship where you don't feel like you were ever good enough or like you had to change something about yourself. It is a terrible thing and it makes you hate yourself. You simply have to realize things aren't working and walk away. That's the hardest part though. Walking away before it gets messy. I haven't even mastered that yet.  You never want to be with someone because it didn't work out with someone else. Don't ever make anyone your second option because you don't want to be alone. That's really selfish. It causes alot of damage. I think that's a major problem that we all have as a whole. People are very selfish and think mostly about what benefits them.
I've had my share of unhealthy relationships. Hell, all of my relationships were unhealthy because I was trying to change the men I was with. They were both cheaters and I stayed longer than I needed to because I thought that I could change them. Infidelity is such an ugly thing. I can forgive a mistake. We are only human and bound to give in to temptation. Even the strongest men will fail. The thing is you never really get that trust back and that is what can be fatal to a relationship. My ex of 3 years taught me a valuable lesson. You cannot change someone. No matter how much you beg or plead or cry. Nothing will change someone but themselves. I can remember so many damn times that I had friends tell me about how they had heard or seen something. I wouldn't believe them or he would always have some clever little story to explain why he was there and what happened. I would even go to eat dinner at a restaurant and the girl that was my waitress would be a girl he had cheated on me with. I would see pictures and messages and I chose to ignore it.
Love is a very powerful thing. Put in the wrong hands, it really is a weapon. My adoration for him made me blind to what was going on. And even when I did see I would chose to not pay attention. Every night it was the same routine. Confrontation. He would get angry that I doubted him and usually ignore me and I would be calling and calling and begging him to just tell me the truth. And at the end of the night, it always ended with and "I love you and I promise I wont ever lie to you again."
I rememeber that first part distinctly. I would always beg him "Please just tell me everything now and i'll forgive you." I really did mean it, but he never told me. And when I would find out from a friend telling me or some other way he would be like, "Well now you know do you forgive me?"
I was really stupid. It was my first semester in college and while I was in my classes I would have people textng me stuff and I would break down and have to leave class to telephone him. Again I say it, I was really stupid and immature about it. I should of focused on school. I failed that entire semester. I dont blame it on that. I didn't have my priorities set straight.
The odd thing is that I never thought I would marry him. Most people who have been together for over a year have at least talked about it you know? We never did. I knew I never wanted to look down the aisle and see his face and know that I would never be able to trust him and that he woud betray me. I don't understand where i thought it was going if we weren't going to end up getting married. Three years is a long time wasted on someone who isn't worth it.
Thats the thing. Once someone has wronged anyone, (the way I see it) They are now capable of doing the same to you. That's why I usually won't go near a guy who is a douche bag to anyone. Cuz who knows if something happens, that could be me on the other side. If someone is not capable of being especially cruel to another being, thats a good sign.
I don't even know where im going with this. I didn't mean to talk about this.
Oh well. At least im finally talking about it.
I think what i want to the most is to get that time back that i wasted. I was so ready to be with him that i avoided all the flashing red signs. I don't think it's a good sign if your boyfriend wins "Biggest Flirt" in highschool. Haha.
I've learned now to see the warning signs.

Float On.

When the sun sets the misery settles in as well.
When darkness falls it brings the misery with it.
It's the hardest at night.
The loneliness surrounds you.
Smothering you in the darkness.
Covering you up to your neck
Blanketing you in self doubt.
Your old friend misery is back again.
It loves company and you seem to be her only friend.
Laying in your bed you feel the weight of it all.
The need for someone, anyone
To share it with.
Lonely in a city full of people
As the world spins on.
Unaware of your existence
Of your internal struggles.
It continues.
Your heart aches for what was yours
And for what never was.
Sleep numbs the pain.
Until you wake up in your dreams
And find yourself trapped by everything you can't have
And by the shadows of companionship that constantly linger in the loneliest corner of your mind.
Your body soul and mind hunger to touch and to be touch.
Your fingers twitch at the slightest graze.
Your breath stops at the glance of kind eyes.
Solidarity has made you hypersensitive
To any connection made.
You long to feel.
Feel anything.
But the numbing nothingness of loneliness.