She is so lovely.

I have excersised my heart more than any other organ. I have learned to depend on it's wants rather than the needs of mind and soul. Perhaps that is what has lead me to where I am now. The heart is a selfish thing. Never wanting to be alone. It doesn't deal with solitude well, seeking company in anyone it comes in contact with. I am no longer in the deep pit of darkness that I chose to reside in for the past few weeks but I am not yet free of the thoughts that put me there. I prefer the night lately because the daytime sheds light on too many memories. Things that are now unattainable. I have so many unanswered questions. So many why's. But I need to forget them if I want to prevail. I was a much more independent and joyous person before all of this started and I was so blinded sided when it ended that I didn't have much time to grab my composure. It is evident in my face the suffering I have experienced as of late. I am distant and hesitant to converse with you because I fear the compainionship that I seek and find in you.

Unspoken word.

Once you've had a taste of it.
All else fails to grab your attention.
Once you've witnessed and felt it.
Nothing compares.
It's a beautiful thing.
It's a vulnerable thing.
Something you must taste once in your life and once you have your eyes are open. 
It might not last for a long time.
Most likely it won't.
But it changes you.
I really didn't believe there were people out there like that.
I didn't know such emotions like that could exist and if they did how would you put them into context. Into spoken word. I still find myself unable to explain everything that happened. And perhaps it is better that I cannot. Memories like these are best kept private.

As we lose minutes we lose memory.

It will be years from now
That we realize the great loss,
The loss of a friendship.
The betrayl is still fresh
In our hearts and in our minds.
Time will heal our wounds.
And there will be the day
That we can embrace eachother
In friendship once again.

Treading Water.

I tried to hold you up, out and away
From harms away.
As you tried to figure out
A way to say,
I'm leaving as soon as I'm saved.
Didn't speak up before.
You thought i would of caved.
You should of told me the truth.
I would have still saved you
And maybe i would of had enough time
To save myself too.

Destination.Desperation.

This started off like paradise
And now it's the trip from hell.
You seemed like an angel
But apparently you're here because you fell.
Fallen from above
Or more like kicked out.
I thought it was love
But its lust without a doubt.
Sometimes its worse.
Like a sensual curse.
I just cant get away
Your stuck in my mind.
Even though in actuality
You didn't stay.
Your burned into my memory.
Blurring my reality.

By the light of the night I saw you cleary.

I saw through the strong controlled demeanor that everyone sees. I saw a vulnerable sensitive man who longed for happy days, for a woman's touch and to touch the warmth of a woman's flesh. You reached out to me that night. It was a frightening thing. Terrified me to my seat. I didn't move, just listening to the pain that told your story. More portrayed in your eyes and hands than on your lips and to this day when I see you my heart aches to give you the comfort you seek because i too seek you. The comfort you long to give to me. I too seek to give to you.

Epilogue: The Emotion that Kills.

I get sicker by the day. My body beginning to waste away. I feel it deep in the pit of my stomach but I know it all began to unwind in my mind. It is not an ailment of the body but of the soul and it rots away the sanity of mind. Coming in crippling waves of pain, it overwhelms you originating in your core and beginning to spread rapidly through your veins and soon you're on all fours. Pale and green, your body convulsing with a cold sweat on your brow. You heave to rid your stomach of its poisonous contents but all that escapes you is bile. The sickness is in its advanced staged. Only revealing itself identifiable when it was already too late. It has eaten away at your organs leaving your heart as the last one standing. A witness to the tragedy, one to see all the others fail. Pumping furiously it refuses to give up, making up for the loss of blood determine to remain the lone survivor. It is painfully unaware that the disease has already spread, eating away through its walls, but its desperation still fights struggling on. You've slumped down the wall, cheek to the cold floor gasping for air. Death rattles in the back of your throat. A chill overcomes you, crawling up your legs and arms. You begin to see spots of black, like a roll of ruined film. And the only sound that escapes your lips is a name. A whisper that lingers on your lips for a few delicate moments and then fades with that final beat.

Atlas.

Now I'm wondering why you did what you did.
You made me promise i would never leave
Then shot me in the heart & left me to bleed.
You said i was the one.
That the battle was won.
How'd we come undone?
From moonlight to sun.
Seems like we are strangers now.
You say there ain't no way no how,
we can fix this.
We?
You say we when it was always just me.
I fought for us both.
In one hand you held a white flag "Please Save"
And in the other a pinless grenade.
You threw more water into the boat
And I was trying hard to bail us both out.
But you kept on filling it up with doubts.
I tore down every damn wall
Which were just ways for you to stall,
being together.
Don't say you love someone one day
Take it back the next.
And then turn around the other way
Never respond to a text.
It turns out you left, earlier than i assumed
You telling some other girl you love her as soon,
as i walk out the room.
Maybe yeah your pathetic
My friends all told me
But I wanted to be there
When you said "Hold me,
Baby i love you please don't leave me."
You play the victim,
with all the right symptoms
But you are really the reason
Ima be claiming treason.
You made me promise you the world.
I lifted the weight of your shoulders
and transferring it to mine
with just a promise that you would be back
As soon as you could muster the strength
You just needed to unwind.
Didn't know you would walk away
as soon as you were out of arms length.
You seduced me with your words.
Calling me all the names, hun
Then you left all of a sudden
Its just me and a smoking gun
But i didn't kill you
You've been dead inside
Ate your way and lied
To get me to want you
To love you and save you
To get me to release you from your pain
Because everyday you go more insane
Unlock your wrists from the chains
and lock myself instead.
Just so you could walk away free
And never look back or turn your head.

Go Ahead and Cry

You broke my heart and your gonna walk away.
So you don't think you have to see me fall apart.
But think again because leaving isn't so simple
I grab ahold of your arm and your body trembles.
Turn around and look me in the eyes
Tell me to my face
Your full of nothing but bullshit, lies, & goodbyes.
And now your little blue eyes start to water
And your cold demeanor falters
I push back my instinct to take you back
I know we'll only end up on the same damn track.
Nothings gonna change.
You don't think your to blame.
I love you but i hate what your doing to me.
And if it really was destiny, if i let you go free
You'd know where to find me.
But i know you wont.
That's why when you cry now.
You'll have to tell my machine how,
Your a changed man.
Cuz that's the only way you'll ever hear my voice again.

We could of been happy,
If you weren't stuck on being negative on all the ways i wasnt her
Well i know I'll never be unfaithful.
So i know one way we aren't alike for sure.
So i started off wanting you not to leave
But i finally do believe
What my friends have been saying all along.
You can love someone entirely
but that doesn't mean your love isn't wrong.

Insomnia of the Undead

I try to go to sleep but my mind is racing

My body is buzzing

With an emptiness i no longer want to feel.

See i live in a city where riches and fame are a step away.

This town is filled with every selfish need to fill your greed.

But where does one go to find the love?
Where can i go to find the honest truth and real people
Not just zombies who agree with everything they see.
Just because they want to please me.
I want to go to a town where the gates are open.
No more beautiful masks of deceptions.
This town is a sweet candy kryptonite.
If held too close to your heart you'll start to fail
And all the zombies will find you off that trail
And they'll start to consume you till they reach their fill.

But the living dead aren't alive at all

So they can keep eating away

And they'll chase you at a slow crawl.

Like a nightmare in the back of your head
When you try to close your eyes.
The good is now dead and the truth has become lies.
Because when your empty, you long to feel.
When your blind you want to see.
You get it even if you have to steal happiness from others.
Rip it right out them and try to consume it quickly.
Cuz your ashamed of that ability.
To eat out beating lives
Blood still on your lips.
While you cover up your lies.
But the truth can never be compromised.
No matter how thick your disguise.

How am i expected to go to bed.
When i have these thoughts running through my head.

The Web Connects

Maybe you're like this because

That's all you've ever learned.

How someone can pick you up

Drop you low and leave you burned.

Maybe I'm like this because
I love to hope
But my dignity jumped of a cliff
Without a tied down rope.

I can make up all these reasons
To why we are all fucked up.

Reasons are just excuses undercover.

A story given to a sorry answer seeking lover.

Everyone is just so scarred.
That these days there is no trust.
It seems we left our hearts
Outside in the rain
And they've begun to rust.
No heart just a hardwired brain.
Now we walk around like tin men.
Drawn to sin once again.

You seem so helpless, a great golden baby
When i pick you up you begin to bury
Your perfect porcelain fangs
Into my voice box
And now i cant stop
Screaming but no one hears
Cuz they've folded over their ears
To protect them from their fears.

This all explains
Why we could only make connections with the lights off.
If i saw you in the light, I'd see someone ripped your heart & face off.
You ain't got no face to save and nothing to lose.
And that is why you find it easy to freely abuse.
Anyone and everyone who crosses your path.
So if your gonna shoot then shoot.
Pin me down with the gun to my temple.
You can look in my eyes but i wont tremble.
Didn't your mother ever teach you right.
Don't play with your food
It might put up a fight.

Realize. Her Eyes. Tell Lies.

I look into your eyes
And all i see is green.
Your green eyes.
I've learned to despise
Because they've gotten so good
At telling lies.
I believed what they seem
to be telling me.
Because your pretty green eyes
Match your little green heart
Now that I'm tearing you apart
Your eyes turn blue
But there's no fooling me or you
Because your just an chameleon
And while i'm at it yeah him too.
Blue Green or Brown
I shake it off.
Your grreen gaze lays upon the ground.
So try and steal
my love, my friend, my life
but you cant ever steal my heart
You can't even cut it out with a knife
When your blade hits this chest
You'll see its made of titanium
There is no taking this heart from
My rock hard chest, thought it does come
with a vulnerable heart
But now its got protection from dart
Green Eyes like yours.
Green Eyes.
So subtle right now.
Because when your not on the prowl
They just seem like pretty little green eyes.
Everyone needs to realize.
Green eyes can lie.

Nowhere Man.

He is a nowhere man. He has no home and no land. He doesn't have family or friends to turn to. Only his vices will be there to welcome and entice him back. He has been dead to society for the last few years but dead to me for almost two decades.

January 18 was his release date. They opened up those gates and let him go with no path to follow. Where is there for a alcoholic and drug abuser to go back besides his habits? If he could he would will himself to die of loneliness, I'm sure of it. It is the fact that he still dreams of the past and being loved that keeps him alive and breathing every single solitary morning. The disease will claim his life eventually. Again i am sure of it. It has already taken the fire from his eyes and the purpose in his every action and every step he takes.

He was once a handsome man with a laugh so contagious it would fill the lungs of everyone in the room. He smiled at the sun and the sun seemed to smile back at him. But i cannot even recall those days anymore. Those happy memories were stolen from me, along with my love for him, when i saw him last. It was just a few weeks before he was caught for doing one thing or another again. Just a few weeks before he went behind those cement walls once more. He was so unbelievably thin when i saw him. A shadow of the man he use to be. His hair was streaked with grey and had a face that just read the story of all the struggles he had faced. It was like his story was carved into his marble face in lines and folds. I did not recognize this man. Only his smile seemed the same but when he grinned i could see gaps where he was missing a few teeth.
Was this the same man that would throw me up on his shoulders on hot summer days when i was too lazy to walk? Or read to me at night but never finish the book because he always had a better story to tell? Was he the same man that danced around the living room to Billie Jean with his socks pulled up and slick dance moves just for a few laughs? No that was a better man. A healthy man. I don't know who this stranger is but he happens to be my father.
And now he is out in the world and i fear for him. I am sure that he will return to his old habits. There is only two lives he knows how to live. Either in prison as an inmate or on the streets as an addict. And now that hes out i am just waiting for the call. The call that would say "There's been an accident. He didn't make it. And he's never coming home..."