I could live out my life without a backward glance.

I could live out my life as a hermit on some distant shore. I could live with books for conversation and the stars for company. I could live free. Once you are deep enough in nature and you lose all traces of humanity, you can sit and look up at the sky and be in any time period of the past. I would like to cultivate my own land and stalk my prey. I would like to live with no boundaries except the limitations of my human body but not of my mortal mind. I acknowledge no master. And that is why I feel trapped. I feel statisfied by no human connection, physical or mental. I am forever seeking. I long for the relationship I can have outside of society. I would like to have a companion in all this though. Someone to share these experiences. If I had it my way we would travel and be in furious debate all day and then on others say not one word. Sharing our thoughts on some deeper level of understanding. I want to be able to converse and debate. I want to be challenged physically and mentally. I want to experience the world pleasures of this earth and of my own body. I want to exisit as a part of this world not as a burden. I want to live. 

A Common Feeling.

I loathe it. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I will be lying in my bed, relaxing on a lazy morning. My mind wandering, thinking of a line read from a long lost book and that's when I catch his scent. It's subtle at first but then as I take in a deep breathe it becomes distinctly recognizable. Memories of the of the past begin to flood my mind and I can no longer bear to lay in my own bed. I cannot be sleep where he has slept. The scent wafts under my nose and I begin to realize where its coming from. From my sheets and from the pillow on which he had rested his head. It's transferred to my clothes and hair. Its imprinted on my bare skin. No shower is long enough to wash away those past traces. I cannot scrub away his presence and he will liner on eternally in my mind. I ripped the linens of my bed and stripped down and toss them all in the washer for the hottest cycle possible.  All of this because of a scent....

The Difference Between Who I Am and Who You See.

There are places we can't return
No matter how we yearn
To face our problems and turn
The other cheek to our previous burns
There are truths we can't deny
No matter how much we try
To repress the things we feel
Things nobody should steal
Things done and hidden
Because it's already been forbidden
There are lies we have to tell
Because the truth is destructive as well.
Cant do the things I want
And be someone you want
At the same time.
So it pushes us to spend time lying
To one another.
Because there isn't any other
Option when it comes to living out
Who i am
And who you see.
If you cant fix it, withstand it.
You cant fix me but cant you stand it?
Will you stand by me?
When you start to hate me
You definitely wont always love me
The things you'll see are quite scary
So don't tarry now, if you aren't going to stay
for the long run. eventually the sun goes down.
Hope when the sun goes down,
I'll still see you around.

A man by no other name.

You drive me insane
I wish I could reframe
From thinking your name
Wanting to relieve the pain.
That's tortures your brain.
It's because I feel the same
On a lower level or plane.
And I crane
My neck to gain
Some insight on rain
That's been an pouring endlessly on your terrain.
You might claim
To have never boarded the train
Of the drug injected vein
That is society.
But I know you better.
Than you might think.
I want to save you from drowning
Before you sink.
So rain rain go away
Find some other place to lay.

Who is someone?

He may not be worth it
but now my real feelings surface.
I sit between four walls of light
protected from the dark outside
but not from the darkness inside my mind
I wish I could have some sort of company
a welcome distraction
to dilute the pain, a fraction,
of the strange attraction
to things that never should happen.
It's the hope in life that makes me fight
for love, the shining beacon of light
at the top of an empty structure.
Worried that if it's not there my heart will surely rupture.
From the giant let down of happiness
that all our parents promised us.
Give me a hope
then pull away the rope
watch me scramble
someway I'll handle
the deception I've been served on a silver platter.
Everyday lived the world seems flatter.
Does anything matter?
I do need the hope of a greater purpose
to keep myself afloat at the surface.
But at this point I'm treading water
I'm a woman so I must be a daughter.
But I've been wondering all along where is my great father.
Somewhere in the sky.
My voice won't reach that high.
So I must keep alive that hope
that he will let down that rope
or maybe a ladder
I don't mind the labor.
I prefer the latter.
To work for something
increases it's worth
but if it walks away
I can't buy it back with what's in my purse.
The power of an angel but the selfishness of a man
now seems like a curse.
Attractive at first
but Im getting worse and worse.
No matter how tight
i might hold on to my memories,
they float on.
Up up and away, until there's no reason to stay
all I have are pictures in frames
as a reminder of who was here
but I see them clear
I'm my mind they've been seared.
Forgiven not forgotten.
Don't know what I saw in
people, why I am suprised
everytime they leave.
I could time it like a sunrise.
Or maybe like a sunset
that must explain the upset.
Explain why I fear the dark.
And hopes shoot up at the finest spark.
Up up and away my memories turn into dreams.
And now it seems
that no matter how much people might gleam
a dream in someone is a fantasy.
Something someone like me can't attain.
Just visualize and keep hope
that my time will come
I'll come undone.
My heart will be won
by someone of worth.
Is there anyone on this earth
that can really see me and unslderstand?
Or do I put too much hope in the hands of man?

So after every single lie go ahead and try.

Every single time I try
You show me a different side
It all turns out to be a lie
So don't ask my why
Every single night I cry
Every up wall I put up falls
So don't try and call
You were my one downfall.

I don't know why you attract me so
I guess it's something I'll never know.
It's not that you affect my heart
You effect mind and soul.
I seem to loose all control
And then I feel so cold.
You build me up to break me down.
Pushed them all away for you
So no one is left around.
Nothing left not one word true.

So after telling me a lie
Go ahead and beg and cry
Cuz I ain't gonna even try
To see your better side.
You were born dead not alive.
But you can't reach me with your knife
You can't reach me i'm too high
Even though I held my arms wide
I'm glad I had my pride.
It kept me on my stride.
You can't eat me up alive.
And now your fading like a tide.
And I'm stepping back goodbye
Looking for the next ride.

Walk Away.

It's hard to hear.
And harder to watch.
I'd rather not be there
Yet i wish you good luck.
It's hard to wish the best
To those who once belong to you,
And those who wronged you too.
But I'd rather wish them both the best
And keep my mouth glued.
Although it aches inside my heart
And kills me in my brain
I know that this is the best way.
I know from this i gain,
the strength to find better things
In life and trust and love.
It's best to sometimes walk away,
From those you truly love.

When did it all end.

I would give anything
to erase the past.
And have it be just you and me
laying on the grass.
Like how it use to be
when we first began.
Baby yeah just you and me,
and to have it last.

Before the complications and the mess.
Before being with you caused me stress.
Where there was innocence
to what we had.
Baby I just want to go back.

When the times were good.
And you were mine.
When thinking of your mistakes
didn't have me dying.
Those days when we just needed eachother.
Oh I would rather have no other.

Oh I don't know.
Where all the good times go.
Oh I ask why.
I call out to the sky.
Don't know who,
took the kindness out of you.
I just want to know when
all the good times ended.

Your mind may refuse to believe.

I don't know which is worse,
the fact that you could find it in yourself to do that
or that I've already forgiven you.
There is no explanation for the gravitational pull that we have for eachother, but that does explain the space we need.
In truth, I couldn't leave if I wanted to and I've never been gone.
I've been sitting in the same spot you left me, waiting for some sign on what to do next.
But during this amount of time of solitude.
Things have changed.
You can try and make me fall in love with you again but those tricks don't have the same effect they use to.
All the lies that have been told.
All the unspoken and hidden truths,
have changed how I see you.
I don't want you in that way anymore.
If rather be alone in my own bed then have you in mine one day and in someone elses the next.
There is no room for you in my heart, in my bed, in my arms or on my lips.
I'm still here and I do still love you.
But now only as a friend.
The distance between us.
Increases by the day.
Words go unsaid, emotions not felt.
But one look at your face made me realize it wasn't over for you.
So space is good. Space is needed, and who knows for how long.
Nothing can change the fact that I want you to be happy. I want the best for you above all else. This is how I've been able to deal with your disapperances.
Not even time could change how I feel.
The pain will fade eventually, but when you truly love someone, it is forever constant and unfaltering. When you love someone you want the best for them even when it means your not on the picture for who knows how long. I've seen the best of you. I've seen the worst of you.
Loving someone might not be enough sometimes but it's worth it.
If I have helped you through even one moment, if I've relieved you from the burden you carry, even for a short amount of time, it was worth it.

Drugdealer.

From one addict to another?
Help me get clean.
I need some advice.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it will fade like the tide.
Just seems like i'm up to my neck
In worries doubts and troubles.
I'm in relapse again.
After a month of being clean.
But he's a drugdealer.
And a soul stealer.
And I'm feeling weaker.
Everyday without my fix.
There's only so much religion can do.
Only so much drugs can numb.
But nothing fades the pain of love. 

Inner-struggle.

I was living a life that wasn't me
I was trying to out live my fantasy
But I had a strong shock of reality
I was walking along in my dream
And I was shot down with the truth I must face.
The road I've been walking isn't real.
The bridge I was crossing isn't there.
I've been dropped from above and fallen hard to the floor
It's like my dreams didn't want me anymore.
I'm being punished for my sins
But I'm human not an angel
I walk through a valley of life and death truth and lies and deception
Every day I drag myself on no exception.
I see myself as a soilder of my own cause and the worlds a battle I just have to fight and haven't yet won.
It's me against the world. A war of a million lonely solitary soliders fighting their own cause.
The battle I've been fighting isn't real.
The people on the sidelines will disappear.
The grounds opened up and taken me home
At least in hell my misery won't be alone. 

She&Him

Because she plays where she works
And it hurts where she lies.
He lives in control 
So he's living in lies.
He's just an indulgence
To fill up her void.
But she's the same to him.
Something they can't avoid.
Because it's not right 
But it doesn't feel wrong,
Both their boundaries
Fall crumbling down.

Everyone is a coward about something. Rise against the odds.

People have demons.
At one point you begin to lose sight of who you use to be.
You start to stop caring whats right anymore and just act on your instinct.
Some people will do anything to survive and to keep alive their happiness.
The truth is I haven't felt more alive in my entire life than I had at the beginning of this year.
And I went to some very irrational lengths to keep it.
I didn't do anything to anyone but I was reckless with my own sanity.
I was quite reckless with my heart, as childish as that sounds.
Setting myself up for disaster but denying it because I was happy at the time.
Theres is a lot I don't understand about life. You meet thousands of people.
And then you meet one person and your life is changed.
Finally you're living for something and you're finally not running away.
You rather break down every damn wall & face any danger than to lose that person.
But the problem is you are living for that someone. Living because of them.
Soon enough its not your choice and something happens and they aren't there anymore.
Everyone's a coward about something.
Some people are cowards when it comes to allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
I find that the strongest people with icy exteriors have troubles allowing people to become close to them.
I guess that's how they cope.
That's something I've learned not to be scared about. I don't hide behind walls. What you see is what you get. I'm honest about who I am. I am not a coward when it comes to things like love.
I would still fight for the people i care out, no matter what has happened in the past.
It's best to keep your hope up and never let it fade.

The War Isn't Over

"You realize every time you suit up. Its life or death.
You roll the dice and you deal with it...."

I have mad respect for anyone that has ever served for the states. I've always had this immense pride of being American. I don't know where it really came from. My mother is proud of her background, but I've never felt like anywhere else but California is my home. I would defend it. I know that everyone says that we, as a country, are selfish, ignorant, and greedy. I know that this country has its issues, but it's my home. And I love it. So whenever i meet someone who has served for my nation, I always swell with pride inside. I just want to say "Thank you."
I can't even begin to imagine the life of a solider. The things they see and have to do and are put through.
They seem so scarred when they come back. I've heard it many times, "Once a marine, always a marine." And yes I am quite aware they are not the only ones that serve. Marines are just what I have been exposed to more. I have a few friends that are serving right now and it pains me to see how much they have changed. One of my friends came back for a visit and he looks so old and is the a shadow of who he use to be. He hardly is genuinely happy about anything.
Before I lived where I do now, my room faced a main street. There was this old veteran who would walk by my street every single night at 3 am and from my window i would hear him. He would scream and scream out stories. Wretched stories and even once i heard him narrating "Alice in Wonderland." Which was really odd. But i cant imagine what people have seen to make their brains cope with that damage by scrambling their thoughts. I can't even pretend to know what I'm talking about when it comes to combat but it hurts to see the solders when they come back home. The war isn't over, not for them. It's still in their head.

Lets take a trip and stay in a hotel. Maybe then the truth will be expelled.

There has been something thats been haunting me for a while.
I don't even know how to explain it. I don't know if I'm ready to yet. Maybe that's why I am at lost for words. All i really know is that i really miss them. As many bad  things that happened between us all, they were all part of my life for a reason. Bestfriend and lover. I miss them both. But things have happened that cannot be changed. I don't want to know what goes on behind close doors but for some reason or another I always end up finding out. At least I don't have to see them anymore. Trouble is sometimes I want more than anything to be able to see them and talk to them and hug them but it's literally impossible. I have bipolar feelings about them. I wish so much that none of this ever happened and that I could of just been friends with them both. I can't even begin to imagine the damage that's been inflicted on us both by each other. I know she was delicate when i entered her life. The way more people should be. I makes them aware of the feelings of others. She is one of the most thoughtful people i had met. I don't know when that stopped or it ever was really.... I don't think I'm ready to talk about it quite yet. No I'm definitely not. My emotions shift from anger to sadness to adoration for her. I'm not ready. My insomnia continues.

Just promise me one thing.

Before we start anything
I have to know your in this.
I've been through too many bad relationships.
It's seems like everyone who loves you the most will let you down.
I'm letting you know now
If you let me
And I let myself love you
I will.
With all my heart.
And I'll fight anything to keep us.
So just let me know.
If that's something u want.

Nine knives in my back.

This is a piece a wrote a few months ago. I no longer hold this pessimist point of view but am still a tad apprehensive whenever someone new enters my life.

I feel like all of my life
I've been lied to
Every relationship & friendship
was a lie too.

Everyone tells you what they think
You wanna hear.
I just wanna be told the truth
Save your tears

I can deal with the truth
Because I know what I'm facing
I can't handle the lies
They got me straight up pacing
Back in forth
Across the room
I wonder which one of you is real
Who tells me the truth
Because they know I can deal

I start off each day
With 9 knifes in my back
And I feel paranoid and
I'm tracing my tracks
Each person I meet
On this path of my life
Is just one other person
Holding a knife.

Ever wake up and think what am i doing here?

I cannot tell anyone about this memory but to not repeat it would be to forget it so I'll do the only thing I know how to do. Write. The thing is. You can't trust a memory to be honest. Or to make it more clear you can't trust your memory to remember what happened the way it did. We choose to notice some things more than other or pretend that some things weren't said to preserve the beauty of the memory. Memories once passed are just pictures of dreams that get harder to recall.
I'm not sure what really happened. I'm not sure what was really said now that time has passed since I recall it. I feel like to share with someone those memorable moments wouldn't do anything but cheapen my experience. The importance of it dilutes with every person told. Maybe I wont write about it after all. It's one of my favorite memories. I think i'll let my imagination get the best of me if it wants.

If I could get that time wasted on you back.

Never be in a relationship where you don't feel like you were ever good enough or like you had to change something about yourself. It is a terrible thing and it makes you hate yourself. You simply have to realize things aren't working and walk away. That's the hardest part though. Walking away before it gets messy. I haven't even mastered that yet.  You never want to be with someone because it didn't work out with someone else. Don't ever make anyone your second option because you don't want to be alone. That's really selfish. It causes alot of damage. I think that's a major problem that we all have as a whole. People are very selfish and think mostly about what benefits them.
I've had my share of unhealthy relationships. Hell, all of my relationships were unhealthy because I was trying to change the men I was with. They were both cheaters and I stayed longer than I needed to because I thought that I could change them. Infidelity is such an ugly thing. I can forgive a mistake. We are only human and bound to give in to temptation. Even the strongest men will fail. The thing is you never really get that trust back and that is what can be fatal to a relationship. My ex of 3 years taught me a valuable lesson. You cannot change someone. No matter how much you beg or plead or cry. Nothing will change someone but themselves. I can remember so many damn times that I had friends tell me about how they had heard or seen something. I wouldn't believe them or he would always have some clever little story to explain why he was there and what happened. I would even go to eat dinner at a restaurant and the girl that was my waitress would be a girl he had cheated on me with. I would see pictures and messages and I chose to ignore it.
Love is a very powerful thing. Put in the wrong hands, it really is a weapon. My adoration for him made me blind to what was going on. And even when I did see I would chose to not pay attention. Every night it was the same routine. Confrontation. He would get angry that I doubted him and usually ignore me and I would be calling and calling and begging him to just tell me the truth. And at the end of the night, it always ended with and "I love you and I promise I wont ever lie to you again."
I rememeber that first part distinctly. I would always beg him "Please just tell me everything now and i'll forgive you." I really did mean it, but he never told me. And when I would find out from a friend telling me or some other way he would be like, "Well now you know do you forgive me?"
I was really stupid. It was my first semester in college and while I was in my classes I would have people textng me stuff and I would break down and have to leave class to telephone him. Again I say it, I was really stupid and immature about it. I should of focused on school. I failed that entire semester. I dont blame it on that. I didn't have my priorities set straight.
The odd thing is that I never thought I would marry him. Most people who have been together for over a year have at least talked about it you know? We never did. I knew I never wanted to look down the aisle and see his face and know that I would never be able to trust him and that he woud betray me. I don't understand where i thought it was going if we weren't going to end up getting married. Three years is a long time wasted on someone who isn't worth it.
Thats the thing. Once someone has wronged anyone, (the way I see it) They are now capable of doing the same to you. That's why I usually won't go near a guy who is a douche bag to anyone. Cuz who knows if something happens, that could be me on the other side. If someone is not capable of being especially cruel to another being, thats a good sign.
I don't even know where im going with this. I didn't mean to talk about this.
Oh well. At least im finally talking about it.
I think what i want to the most is to get that time back that i wasted. I was so ready to be with him that i avoided all the flashing red signs. I don't think it's a good sign if your boyfriend wins "Biggest Flirt" in highschool. Haha.
I've learned now to see the warning signs.

Float On.

When the sun sets the misery settles in as well.
When darkness falls it brings the misery with it.
It's the hardest at night.
The loneliness surrounds you.
Smothering you in the darkness.
Covering you up to your neck
Blanketing you in self doubt.
Your old friend misery is back again.
It loves company and you seem to be her only friend.
Laying in your bed you feel the weight of it all.
The need for someone, anyone
To share it with.
Lonely in a city full of people
As the world spins on.
Unaware of your existence
Of your internal struggles.
It continues.
Your heart aches for what was yours
And for what never was.
Sleep numbs the pain.
Until you wake up in your dreams
And find yourself trapped by everything you can't have
And by the shadows of companionship that constantly linger in the loneliest corner of your mind.
Your body soul and mind hunger to touch and to be touch.
Your fingers twitch at the slightest graze.
Your breath stops at the glance of kind eyes.
Solidarity has made you hypersensitive
To any connection made.
You long to feel.
Feel anything.
But the numbing nothingness of loneliness.

Infidelity.

Explanation: I was going through a rough breakup in 2009 dealing with infidelity.

I've found happiness in my loneliness.
I find peace under stress.
I can now breathe underwater.
I can see when it's dark out.

I've moved on from you.
All the shit that you put me through.
And now I look at myself saying
How could I really not see
That all I needed was me
To make myself so happy.
I don't need anyone else.
I don't need anyone's help.

Why can't you see that by not being me
And by being you, through and through
Was only gonna hurt you and I.
Now I apologize, to myself for wasting my time and believing your lies.
But now I've moved on and i got no time for goodbyes.

I can speak for myself.
Because my mouth isn't yours.
And I know that I'm done
With all of you and all of your whores.
It's been three years together
But all I need are three days
To figure out that you wronged me
In so many ways.
Maybe I won't find myself loving another somebody
Sooner or later I'll know alone is better than you cheating with anybody.
I used to get cheated on by you on a daily basis.
And everywhere that I look now I'm finding the traces
Because if you plant your seed
I'm gonna find you by the weeds.
Because your a mister big shot with oh so many needs.
No matter what you say.
No matter how you plead
I'm gonna say no.
Because I want you to go.
The weeds of lies that you tell just keep growing and growing.
No matter how cheap and no matter how good your stories are flowing.
But I don't care anymore.
I'm taking care of myself.
I'm good and I'm gone.
I don't need nobody else.

Testing... Testing... One. Two. Three.

Is there anybody out there?
Is there anyone listening?
Will you stay, not for now but forever
Is there anybody out there, feeling what I feel?

If you've ever had to wait for something.

August 27, 2010 7:06pm

Waiting is the hard part.
The anticipation rising
What will happen
Hasn't been told yet
Waiting makes your mind race
Oh the possibilities.
What could be said
Hasn't been formed yet.
Waiting makes you want it more.
Every desire left unexplored.
What will happen when you come?
The situation hasn't risen yet.
Waiting isn't hard.
It's the fact that.
I don't know.
When your coming back.

Sentence of Solitude.

When life gets you down
And you dont feel like living.
Just come to me.
I'll always be here.

When nobody's home
And you feel all alone.
Just knock on my door
I'm always here.

No matter what's wrong
or whatever you did
Don't feel alone
I'm always here.

Just knock on my door.
And you'll find me sitting,
in my chair.
I'm always here...

All that I know is I'm falling.

Maybe it is indescribable because you cannot manipulate it. It cannot be manipulated by words. Edited. Revised. Exaggerated. It simply is. It simply exists.
Maybe that is why it is so unattainable and so sought after. You cannot grasp it in your hand or hold it to your chest because it is simply a feeling, felt deep in your soul but it is just passing through. Soon it will be nothing but a sweet memory lost in the corner of your mind. It does not live. It's life span was quite short, just an experience. It does not live. It merely exists.
It doesn't have a creator. And that is why it belongs to no one. Fleeting from person to person. Each felt different, every experience unique. It cannot be felt the same twice. You cannot force it, just like you cannot make it come to you. It simply is.
It is like a flame. Held too close to your heart and you'll surely burn and have the scars to prove it. It can quickly become out of your control and it will run rampant. But it is quite beautiful to watch and you stand still to watch it all burn down, mesmerized by the flame of anguished love.
It is love. Simply put. Always exsisiting. Let it be.

This is It.

Do I really want to know you?
Yes, I do but I don't want to ruin the perfect illusion that i have of you already imprinted in my mind. I am afraid that if we get close then that illusion, which attracted me so fiercely, will fade once i truly know you. Once I learn your flaws, see your vulnerability, and fall victim to your mistakes, I worry I will not see you in the same pure light. So do I see you or do I keep you instead as a perfect memory? The moment you open your mouth, the identity I have formed for you will begin to unravel. Other people have proven me right. Most people will let you down when you really get to know them. They are never that honest or that righteous or even sometimes never as interesting as you thought them to be in the first place. And then you feel guilty and start to blame yourself. "Why do i do this? Why do i always do this? Why must i always think ahead and plan this little imaginary future in my head." No one ever is going to live up to your expectation and you start holding on so tight because you think maybe i can change them. I can help make them the person they really are. I can help make them better. But you cant... because that's not really who they are. Plus you want to love someone who for they truly are. That's the problem with alot of people. They try to be more interesting for each other. So that someone will find them more likeable, so that they have some kind of common ground where they can meet halfway. If you play your cards right the person might just like you. But once you really get to know each other you realize how much of a lie it is and how your now sharing a bed with a stranger and a liar but then you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you see the same exact thing staring straight back at you.  You start to cause all these problems for yourself. And then every reason why you were attracted to this friend or lover begins to fade but your dependency on them does not. You still completely attached to them. And you cant get them out of your head and you cant remember a day in your life that they werent there. You start to think that you were really born the day you met them and that you'll cease to exisit the moment they leave. This is the desperate point in your life you have finally reached? Really..... Is it really worth it? Because your starting to look really weak to your friends and you dont even recognize yourself because your so damn pathetic and dependent on them. Like a brand of heroin. No will ever be able to give you that high that they did but you take it anyways just so that you dont feel the numbing nothingness. And we all know that it never ends well. Its a messy affair, the ending of any type of relationship.
Ive always been the type of person to lie to myself to make it easier. To get over things quicker i lie to myself but never to anyone else. But... at the same time if you are lying to yourself then every word out of your mouth in a lie. but anyways, I lie to myself saying "Fake that smile till one day it's real. Fake it till you make it I guess." I lie to myself saying I don't care about you as much as I think I do. That I can get closer to you and then still be able to wake up the next morning and not be filled with thoughts of you. That I still have to power to walk away from you whenever I want. That is the biggest lie I told myself lately. I tell myself I don't care about my father and that he never had any affect in my life. I tell myself that I don't need any friends. That I'm better off alone. I need to be my own best friend so that when I'm alone I'll still be okay. Oh the lies we tell ourselves. All just to make us feel better about the current situation we are stuck in.
Go ahead and tell yourself whatever you need to to get yourself out though. Its the placebo affect. That's what I use to think about prayer. Your praying to a wall, no one is listening. But at the same time those empty prayers bounce off that wall and sink back into your brain. Prayer is time given to yourself for contemplation. It gives you time to say " Here are my exact problems. They need to be solved" You are in reality praying to yourself. Giving yourself the ultimatum that you are going to stop complaining and your going to find the solution. In prayer you give yourself clarity and you give yourself strength to continue. I use to pray every night to believe. I would beg and plead "God are you out there? I know your out there. Why aren't you listening to me? I'm really trying here. Why have you forsaken me? Please give me the strength to believe in you. That's all i want, is to follow you." I wanted purpose in my life. I needed to live for something because i had nothing. I realized that i was being blind. That i had forsaken him. I realized that i just needed to walk blindly and to trust. I had put my trust before in people and of course they were going to fail. They were human. We were made to fail and to succeed. I had learned to be let down. I realized that no matter what. I was not alone. And that was what really got me out of the hole I have been in lately. No matter what happens, loss of friends, lovers, job, or health, I am not alone. And I never will be.
I am not dead. So I must be alive. That's how I got through alot of the stuff going on recently. Just been trying but it's trying that matters. Do you think we can live forever? No but we live anyway, and it sure as hell is worth pushing back death that much more. Maybe we'll never get peace. But we might as well try.
And no, not for any god or gods, not because some book tells us to, not because it's a divine right or because it is our destiny. We should try because there is nothing else; because we have to make the best of what there is, because this is it.

Men of men before all else.

People play the victim. Everyone makes excuses for why they are the way they are and why they are there. No one is brainwashed. They are just content with their mediocre state of mind and claim otherwise when someone calls them out on their charade.
I feel like I would be lying to myself if I said I was above that influence. Am I a challenger or a victim? Am I genuine or do I just know how to play the game so well that I can fool everyone including myself into thinking I am above it all.
Do I truly want to see or would I rather stay blind? Being blind i am pleasantly unaware of what is out there. But if I do choose to see, will I be ignorant with that gift and only choose to view subjects pleasent to me. Will I be too ignorant still to really see?
We are selfish creatures us human beings. As much as we want to be otherwise, we are men before we are anything else. We are men before we are fathers, lovers, friends... We are men of Christ. Never anything more.
Maybe that is why everyone who plays the savior fails. You can attempt to rescue people who have condemed themselves but they aren't trapped in a cage. If you look closely you'll see their bindings are loose. The chains are there just for the theatrics. They chose to be where they are. Trapped by their own failings. Even the most purest of soul and mind are dragged down. Dismayed by all the twisted around them. No man is above the force of man. No man above the force of temptation. Each being has their limit.
Each man will give in at some point. Everyone is predictable in which they will all fail. Don't see me as a pessimist though. I do see beauty in success. I just see the corrupt trail it takes most to get there.
Where did originality originate from? Has there been anything truly unique since the beginning of time? Everything is copied, inspired, and remembered from a past subject. Every life is an experiment of what will happen of you expose them to this or neglect them of that. It is the parable of the sower. Only some will flourish. And it's all on chance. Is there destiny in life? No I think not. And if there is then destiny must be a woman for she is cruel. To witness those who are corrupt succeed and those who are pure fail is a terrible sight to see. It is all by chance that miracles happen. You are the chosen patient who was given a second chance while the man next door who is much more deserving breathes his final breathes. There is no such thing as karma. Just about time something good happened. And still some even know what it is to have any good in their life. Some never know the taste of success.  
We are all equally guarenteed everything but we chose to steal anything that will go unnoticed from one another. To lie and cheat one another for a quicker payout of happiness. Why is that? I once asked a man why he was unfaithful to his longtime wife and his response was simply "because I can I suppose." That type of man with power is a man to be feared. The men who do it just because they can and because they like to see the world burn and for no other reason. Everyone is burnt by someone else and they spent the rest of their life trying not to get close enough to get burnt once again. The scars they carry as a sign for others to stay away but it's too bad these scars are in a place which is not visible. Those who aren't damaged are burned by those who have been too much. And so they cycle continues.
We love to play with fire? We know it is forbidden but it seduces our starved eyes, lonely minds and selfish hearts. And then we runaway as soon as things get out of control. We don't want to see what destruction we have left behind. So runaway. Try and leave. But no matter what you cannot leave this world. Even in space you rely on substances of earth. You cannot truly be free from anyone or anything because you are man. Men are manmade.