Dear Jess,

Ive been dreaming about you. Almost every night. My dreams are days long now, but you always seem to show up in one part or the other. I wish i wouldn't but I'm glad I do because lets be honest that's all i have left. I'm not dwelling on the past I'm just happy to be able to keep some part of it in my subconscious.

Ive been writing about you. I've been meaning to do more with it that just let it sit in a notebook but usually I forget about time and have so much I've been wanting to tell you that I just end up scribbling done page after page.

Ive been thinking about you. If your happy and healthy. I wonder how work and family is treating you and if you've been allowing yourself to let go and at least trying to be happy. I don't expect you to be 100% better because no one is but I hope that you're trying.

Holidays are hard aren't they? Cant believe it's been a year already. Makes me feel old and wondering what the hell I've been doing this whole time. It's crazy how mixed emotions are. I feel like some days when life's all busy and whatnot its easier to not even think about your bruises and the beloved hands that gave them to you and then other days it just follows you everywhere. Its like if you're not here in my real life leave my dreams alone! Or at least that's how i feel. Its so annoying just wanting things to be better and wanting to get over something right away. Monday you miss em, Tuesday you have   them, Wednesday you don't trust them, Thursday you resent them, Friday you end up fighting, Saturday Its over and Sunday you forgot what it felt like to feel anything. Then the cycle begins all over. But for the most part I'm so much better of late.
Funny as it seems, I met someone on Tumblr. Weird right?! I've always been a weird person though you know that. We went to the Circa concert. Not together. I went alone because i wanted to have a memory that in no way could ever be tainted. I wanted that memory for myself. And Oh my god Jess, Anthony Green was saying the most inspirational stuff about being happy and letting go and chasing your dreams. Everyone was crying and screaming and laughing. Everyone in the crowd was letting go of their past for that moment and just being. When Anthony Green jumped in the crowd i grabbed his hand and put my hand on his heart. That moment honestly changed me. But anyways I saw James Wolfgang there. That is his real name by the way. Haha I love it. So I know hes not a pedophile. We've been talking since then. He's so sweet and smart and plays all kinds of instruments and sings. He's perfectly perfect but I dunno somethings missing. He's the closest I've gotten to closeness since you. I feel like its not enough, but I have to be grateful for what I have.
Remember how we always said "I feel bad for the poor guy who is gonna date me next?" I'm trying really hard to not let my problems with trust and closeness affect him. I'm just taking it day by day. I like that he understand certain things about me like depression because he's suffered it for a while too. We share the good and the bad but we are both determined to not let the bad affect and try to improves each other and ourselves. Its good. I'm just trying not to put too much hope into it but at the same time not having my reservations.
One a positive note. I never thought Ryan Gosling was uber attractive until I saw Blue Valentine and saw how dedicated he is and how talented and genuine he is. I've been listening to his band "Dead Man Bones" all month long in preparation for Halloween because its dark gothic music. Anyways I'm mentioning Ryan Gosling because that's who James looks like. A lot. No joke. I'll post a picture so you can be the judge.

That's him. Anyways...... I wanted to tell someone. Actually I wanted to tell you. I don't really talk to anyone much but in a good way. I'm too busy doing my music stuff anyways. People seem to have a lot of their own problems, many of them silly and its not good to get involved. I have a weird thing with being friends with people now. I'm so careful who I allow to get close to me or who i get close to. Just because I dunno people have a lot of issues and secrets and I don't like keeping peoples secrets. Not in a bad way but if you're doing something you're not proud of then you shouldn't be doing it. I'm not about to tell the whole world but if you're hooking up with someone all the time and you're telling someone else you like them its like that's not cool. I don't want to be a part of that and laters.So I've cut ties from bad stuff like that and I've focused on my music.

I've been in the studio recording music with my producer. We were trying to figure out a song and then I had a strong wave of something I could feel. I told him to record and just freestyle on the piano while i sang out whatever came to mind and the end product ended up being a full song. Here's the one take session....

If you're wondering why I'm writing this and why the hell I'm doing this. I don't know Jess. I really don't know. It just feels good to get this off my chest. So many problems come from mixed messages and miscommunication. This just feels right. I'm not expecting anything. I just wanted to say somethings.

I dont want to continue writing letters on this blog. So here:

http://lettersyoumightneversee.blogspot.com/

On Letting Go.

And so it begins. A clean slate. I feel refreshed. I wont ever be able to get to that wonderful and deathly past that Ive held onto for so long now. So its goodbye. I'm finally able to do that.

At the show amongst the screaming fans and energized body my anchor was finally cut free. As Anthony Green spoke his words my burden was lifted. I have done everything that i could, trying to find the reasons to why things were in their state. The anger, resentment, love, and sorrow was lifted.

I don't want to hear the excuses, the apologizes, the reasons. They don't matter anymore. And frankly i don't care about it anymore. I don't want to hear them. Underneath the surface we are all searching for that sweet self acceptance of what happened. The longer it takes the more it went to waste until it was something that we didn't even recognize. A memory that's begun to fade and I've forgotten that feeling of what it was to be with you. And looking back i realize none of it was real. All the actions happened, NONE of the words meant, ever. None of them.

And I'm so freed by that. I'm so happy now. I feel my purpose in life again.

There's nothing that i can possibly say anymore. There's no new words that can change what happened in the past. The truth wont even save you because you don't even want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear what they did wrong. But i know what i did wrong. I lied to myself the entire time. I lied to a friend. I tried to help a lover so he could be happy with me. I let a man with so many problems find a distraction in me. I was looking for so long through so many people. For the love i never felt. And i never got it. But now i love myself because of the feelings that were released in that crowd, all of those people hanging on to every word that he sang. Screaming their hearts out for some sort of salvation that would heal their wounds. My life is changed. And I'm so grateful for what that crowd gave me. I'm so grateful for what those 3 people in my life were able to give me. The only people I've ever loved, but not enough to let them go. I finally can.

So fucking careless with the things you gave out you didn't even realize you were left with nothing and when that happens, you get so fucking lonely and selfish that you will take anything from anyone to feel again. We can say we cared about one another but we didn't because we would of never done those things to each other. People don't hurt the people they love. I am done being the enemy. Done having lies and words spread and manipulated hurting people I tried so desperately to hold onto. Just a burden, that's all we all ever were to each other. And i tried so fucking hard to be perfect for you to try and fix you but when you don't want to change there's not helping you. I am you're enemy. Its not a role i am willing to play anymore. I am you're nothing. I take back everything. I it take it all back and now i give you nothing. So that you wont have anything to resent me for. I wish i could look you in the eyes and tell you that it meant nothing, because it didn't. I wanted it to mean everything, i wanted it to be love but it wasn't. It was loneliness. The only factor that brought us all together.

Ive walked around trying to hard not to tread on anyone. But you know what, everyone you go your going to leave a mark. Accept it. Its our lot in life to take from one another but we got to make sure that we never intentionally steal from another. And i think that's a lesson many still have to learn. If you don't accept the damage you have inflicted on others its just going to eat at you from in the inside until you don't understand why you feel like such shit anymore. You wont understand why you cant trust anyone anymore. You cant blame others. You were my ally once and i wanted someone so bad to be close to that i could hold onto forever so i latched on to the closing thing to me without thinking once that it might not be the best idea. And none of us, NONE of us would admit fault. Some more than others. And you will continue to live your deadly life of denial until nothing left but a dead feeling.

I can return to that part of town and look for your faces but it pointless. My home isn't with you guys anymore. None of my friends there. They all hold false connections to my past. And Ive complained for so long about my problems that that's all i was. I was just one big fucking issue.

God how much i wished i could just hold you one more time or kiss your cheek one more time. But I've opened my eyes and I'm not afraid to see that i have nothing. Nothing is good. Nothing is fresh. I wont build my home on our graves any longer. I care my home in my soul. Its my obligation to live my life with a passion.

I made a promise to you long ago, that'd id do my best to keep our home. I made promises never to leave, to never forget, to try and do my best for you. But when everyone else gave up and i stayed trying. I felt like shit about myself. Why does everyone leave? why does everyone leave me that i love? the only people around are the ones that i don't even want near me.

Everyone wants to use me. Use the parts of my they love the most. And those parts are so used up. There's nothing left of that. I'm out. I'm dry. I'm going out on my own and finding new resources.

Ive been avoiding this. Ive been avoiding the things i have to do the most making excuses.

i give so much advice to people and never listen to my own. I'm sick of hearing peoples little trivial problems. I just want to tell them " its your fault. you let this happen, you let people treat you like this. how don't you deserve this? how do you not see what you've done?" and i see that I'm telling myself that. and it so pathetic to know that people have their answers in front of them and they REFUSE to change. They refuse to change what they need to do. They say they are trying. But they aren't. Trying is having the intent to fail. Because guess what, the majority of people are weak and they always go back. Go back to hurting themselves and others. Grow up. You're an adult now. Don't you see what you've been left with. Take that and make something out of it.

Anthony green said "its your obligation to go out in life and do something your passionate about. Don't just let this stay here. take these words with you. take this with you and take it out there. I'm so glad that we were able to connect."

And that's all were are all ever doing, Connecting and misconnecting with each other. Passing another by. Missed opportunities.

I'm not angry about my past anymore. I'm not waiting for anyone to come back. I'm not waiting for sorrys because i don't believe you. My love, anything and everything i give you from this point on wont change anything for you. Youre so hopeless. And no don't read this thinking I'm talking about you J. I'm talking to all of you. I'm talking to Matt, Kristina, Alex, David, Henry, Rosa, Andrea, Daniel, Drew, and yes you too Jess. I'm talking to everyone I've every touched and everyone that's every touched me. So many countless nights thinking what they fuck is going on!? How am i losing everyone i ever cared about? How am i losing every person I've ever gave a part of myself to? They were all that mattered to me for a long time. No one else mattered. I just couldn't understand why they didn't love me after everything we had been through. And it simple as this, Life happens.

Its over. Its all finally over between all of us. Its all died and ben buried under ground for so long that I've passed through all the levels of mourning, denial, and anger. I was angry at god for a long tome. but i cant expect him to change my life. He wants me to live my life. Hes not going to interfere. He can only give me clarity. His job was done when he gave me life and his job will start once again when i die. But for now this is on me. And I'm starting over again. I feel so fucking free. And you guys can never hurt me again because the only thing i want for you is happiness and clarity.

Its so sad to see how much pain we have all caused each other. We gave so much of ourselves to hopeless causes. Walking away wasn't an option, but its not giving up its letting go.

Ive struggled to connect with new people and old because nobody ever understood me like those people did. I was so hopeless every time someone tried to be the person i had lost. It angered me. Its just like "be your goddamn self and maybe I'll like you as a person." Everyone tries so hard to be something for someone else. If you as a person isn't enough for the one you want they in reality its not the person you want. You're just fooling yourself. You keep thinking you can change or you can change them but its just not so.

This is the worst I've ever written, I'm not sure if its even making sense. I feel as though I'm trying to force something out. One last message, maybe the life i continue to live from this point on will be the final clear message i send out. Because sometimes words just aren't enough.

Hello stranger,

Ive gone through them.Accepted them, invited them and used them up.
Searching searching searching for the reassurance you use to give.
I look into the eyes of every stranger looking for it,
Looking for you.
I cant find you.
I cant find me.
What was us?
A lie, a deception, yes.
But it was my home.
And in my best and in my worst i knew i had a home.
I might be healthier now but i lack a home.
I want it back more than anything.
Time passes and some times its easy but it seems now to be surrounding me more than ever.
I think about you every day.
And no its not sick. Its normal.
Because that's love.
And no not everyone will understand.
I resent the people who think they know me and want to get closer to me.
They aren't you. If they aren't you, i don't want them.
They don't know me, you do.
I miss you.
And against all the advice that people try to give me.
"Forget that part of your past, move on."
"Don't think about them Paulina, they don't think about you."
And it hurts me to think.... that maybe you don't think about me.
Maybe Matthew doesn't think about me either.
But how could you not?
I don't think everything we had was a lie.
I loved you and i still do,
The problem is that i will never stop loving you.
For the rest of my existence i will love you forever.
I could try to go on and on but no words will be able to convey this overwhelming feeling...


I've been trying to forget, to let go.
But its hard to let go when everywhere i go i hear your echo.
You are my shadow that follows me during the day and consumes me at night.
Shadows on my mirrors, my walls, my bed.
I sleep with a lamp on so that maybe it will shed some light on what I'm left here to deal with.
Just tell me. I near to hear the words from your perfectly formed lips that drip with sweet venom.
Tell me you don't want to see me again. That you don't want to hear my voice. Tell me that you don't want my comfort my understanding, my arms to hold you when you cry. I need to hear.
I feel left without an explanation to many things. Alas i said the words i dreaded the most. Now i wonder if I've been left behind or just forgotten. Should i keep the patience and wait till you need me next? I feel so over used but when i look into your bright eyes it doesn't seem to matter anymore because this makes sense. And you feel it too maybe that's why you run. You can hardly deny me once i spew my words that stick to you like some sort of disease. I am afraid that I'm just too good with words. I don't want to change your mind. Just open your eyes. Maybe i should open mine. We need to see whats really there or not. All i know is... I fell apart in your arms for the last time and i felt free to be who i am because of the things you told me.
I fear to show any sign of weakness to you for fear that you might  consider it a terminal flaw and you consider ,e too much of a risk. I wish you could see the risk isn't of importance. Life is lived just once and as long as we are trying to make the most of it and trying that's all that should matter. When one gives up the other helps but when both do then life just becomes platonic. There are no lows but  there are no highs! No love, no life lived, I'd much rather live on the edge and see the view and how far i have to fall, than live on the plains and never be able to look beyond the horizon, but no matter where you are the sun always sets. So we must put our faith in the moon, which never sets, never leaves the sky but must wait patiently for its time to glow and shed its milky light upon us. I am the moon and you are my eternal blazing sun.

Numb.

Is it so bad to be sad?
So frowned upon to have a frown on?
I moved out and away
from what was suppose to be home
because it was dragging me down
And in with a friend
i thought it was the end
to my loneliess and self loathing
but now i wear my masks like clothing
I fear im losing that high
of temporary change
and its all coming back again
the depression, the overwhelming loneliness
and i fear if i tell anyone i need help they will back away
as they did before. and they wont want me anymore.
No one loves the sick and hurt.
No one wants to be around that .
I seek comfort in human contact
Under clothes and under sheets
But it only leaves a deeper hole to fill
I am forever chasing the feeling of the first time of happiness and love
ive gone to hell and back and even prayed to above
Im wearing this feeling out like a glove
No amount of smoke can cloud the pain
No amount of pills can kill the numbness
No amount of drinks can drown the sorrow
That there will be no happiness in tomorrow.
I am afraid and no one will help.
I am afraid no one will help.

Flashback.

This numbness that overwhelms us is something that comes with broken trust.We try to hold it all in & hold ourselves up, pretending like we never fell into this rut.
The people we choose seem to be the ones we always lose
Like picking the prettiest flowers only to see them die is our arms after a few hours.
Its funny how you re even alarmed,
Life never went the way that you wanted, always an arms length away keeping you taunted.
So lets go back to the beginning to where this all began,
When you saw the world for what it was, dropped it all and ran.
Far far away as far as you could go, before you were even taught the meaning of no.
Wishing you could shrink up and crawl back inside her womb.
Seem to be the only place for you that there was ever room,
To form, grow and eventually develop
Into something more than just another setup
Take it farther back when you were just an idea
Funny how pain never was named in this game.
Thrown out into the world, without the slightest clue
Of what it meant to be alive and how to keep to you.
Truth is we are all just a bunch of misconceptions
Always on the search for the better connection
How can there be an end when you cant remember the beginning
Always on the downside, doesn't matter if you're winning
Let me know to Let it go just as soon as i begin to show
The truth is too much, but its the only thing i clutch.

Flow.

All i know is lately I've been dreaming
But I'm to high to remember
Or maybe to low underground
Dreaming plugged in
Notes of memories
How do you feel though
I don't know
Days passed where I knew
And this feeling is new
I don't know anything at all
All i lost forever
Cant tell whether
I'm changed or the same
With a different outlook
Because of the things you took
Am i dying or just recognizing
A deeper meaning
All i know is the older we get
The more i regret
Everything lost
And nothings been found
Memories unwind
And I am unwound
Tumbling down into daydreams and nightmares
Cant tell if I'm there anymore
My minds feeling sore
Of nothing more than all these chores
And these gatherings of burdens
But maybe I'm learning
A measurements difference
And I would of been dead
But I'm left here reminiscing instead
These bitter moods draining
And I cant stop complaining
But not to any faces
My mirror can all take
Because people will break
Under the pressure of the world
Under the pressure of my mind
And how it all works
And like clockwork
Its all repetition
Seemingly I never listen
To my reflection
This hell hole
You're happier about my life than I
But only because you don't get why
When what or how
I am this way now
One and one is two
But one with me and zero with you is none
Funny how I'm alive
After we've been done
i might not be in a logical place
But that's where I'm found
You moved me around
And I cant find a trace
Of where Ive been left
Being pierced with a rusty spear
Infections spread without you near
I intake the worst
Just to have something to feel
To replace this nothingness
Left in the wilderness with wet matches
A sorry excuse of existence
Insane how it shifts
The feet I walked before is no more
I dont want to start this life
This path in a new direction
Its the interception i mind
because it isnt mine
Same questions
Different answers
Same feeling
A years difference is all it takes
to recognize old mistakes
I get out of here soon
But not soon enough
How hard do i have to press
To get some sort of reaction
Just a small infraction
Would be a miracle of a difference
But its already been made
With the ideas that I've laid.

Listen.

Ask me for advice

But just first take a look at your life

How many lives have you lived because of love

How many of you have died because of love

How many of you have questions what is above

Because you’ve been left below

Digging Digging Digging

For some sort of reason

Some sort of scientific explanation

For why you’re tied down when you want to be free

But that’s just gravity

So don’t blame it on her, him, or me.

Your life, your choice, your responsibility

And I know about depression

Because I was born again in a facility

I was shown how to expand my mental capacity

Sitting in a room full of sedated insanity.

Because I was full already

Full of sadness

Full of pills

Full of hypocrisy

Full of shit

Call me crazy

Wish you understood

So maybe you could stand

On your own

And withstand.

Wish you were here

To lend me an ear

We all need advice

To be told more than twice

That we deserve the best in life

But id be a lie to say we don’t lie

So we can only rely

On those that have survived

Take knowledge from those who went to college

Learn a lesson from someone who had less than

Take an idea, respond with an onomatopoeia

Like BOOM! A new thought in your mind

Take my advice…

And question your life.

Don’t do it just for you.

Do it from her, him and me.

Because how the hell are we suppose to live peacefully

When we live life for just ourselves so selfishly.

Take it and question yourself religiously

Like it’s a test and failure is anything below a C

See why you do things?

See how you react?

See why it is that you prefer dogs over cats.

Ask why you prefer life over choice

Or why for some things you have a voice

I could go on and on

But that’d be wrong

Because this isn’t an integration

Its instigation

An internal investigation

Questioning yourself without hesitation

Speaking out without deliberation

Word vomit

And if you’re really on it

You’ll be running around unable to sit

Putting on glasses

and looking at trees

and saying mom I can finally see the leaves

I can see the roots

And I can see the solution.

Now I’m finally ready to draw a conclusion

So take my advice

Take it hard

Takes soft

Take it daily with a side of rice

You’re finally ready to live your life

Edited.

You gotta let go of that monster inside you sometimes
Or he'll start to get angry that hes being confined.
You'll eat yourself up from the inside out.
Destroying every single part of you without a doubt
of whats good or bad, and what you should keep.
That monster inside doesnt care what it eats.
Let it out to let it go.
Forgetting the truth in you you know
Holding on to hang it up
in the end when things dont go

You better hollow out your heart
because theres ice that dont belong there
and your starting to fall apart.

Make a decision before i make one up for you
Get away from the sickness before it controls you
Wont see me complaining about shit
and then refusing to change
I wasnt born with hypocrysy as my name.

Dont want to pretend to be somebody im not
but people seem to respond better when im down on lock.

She's so heavy.

I carry my burdens.
I'll carry yours too.
I am not obliged,
I want to.

I carry my burdens.
I'll carry yours too.
They arent that heavy
when I share them with you.

I carry your burdens
with a heavy heart
Knowing in the end
you will depart.

I carry my burdens
And I carry yours as well
I carry them wishing
it had not been farwell.

“And He said, “Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest.”

—	Matthew 11:28-30

An old song for JD

You're a fragile girl.
Living in a viscious world.
I can only hope to be there
When you need someone.
The beauty I find in you.
Is of a different breed.
One which exceeds
All normal standards.
You are the flower that opens later
Than all the rest.
When the summer is gone
And the cold wind arrives.
And i realize with new eyes
You are so much more beautiful
Inside.
A delicate child.
In a world of hate.
But our bond is never up for debate.
With you I never regulate
What I say or do.
Every word is a thought spoken true.
I only wish you would walk around with a mirror.
So you could see clearer
What I see.
I want your walls to fall.
So you can see that life calls
To you.
You are more than what you see.
So much more.

Bullet shells on Cloud 9

I was living a life that wasn't me
I was trying to out live my fantasy
But I had a strong shock of reality
I was walking along in my dream
And I was shot down with the truth I must face.
The road I've been walking isn't real.
The bridge I was crossing isn't there.
I've been dropped from above and fallen hard to the floor
It's like my dreams didn't want me anymore.
I'm being punished for my sins,
But I'm human not an angel.
I walk through a valley of life and death truth and lies and deception
Every day I drag myself on no exception.
I see myself as a solider of my own cause and the worlds a battle I just have to fight and haven't yet won.
It's me against the world.
A war of a million lonely solitary soldiers fighting their own cause.
The battle I've been fighting isn't real.
The people on the sidelines will disappear.
The grounds opened up and taken me home
At least in hell my misery won't be alone.

Pull up your covers.

When the sun sets the misery settles in as well.
When darkness falls it brings the misery with it.
It's hardest at night.
The loneliness surround you.
Smothering you in darkness.
Covering you up to your neck
Blanketing you in selfdoubt.
Your old friend misery is back again.
It loves company and you seem to be her only friend

Devil in Disguise with Decieving Eyes.

I know I probably shouldn't.
But I will.
I know I usually couldn't.
But I did.
I know I said I wouldn't.
And I'm sorry.
I act like I am.
But I not.
But I want you to see.
Everything I wish I could be.
The good I wish I could.
But I'm not.
The bad I brush off my shoulders now, is the dust of my old self.
Coming back to haunt me.
A constant reminder.
That I am not who I think I am.
I am not who I wish I could be.
Im the devil in disguise with decieving eyes.

Runaway.

Be careful
There's a runaway out there.
Don't try to help him
Even though he's lost
Cuz he'll make you fall in love at any cost.
And then he'll runway again.
No where to be found.
But his voice remains
In your mind the only sound.
And you won't be able to rest
Cuz he took your heart right out of your chest.
He's a runaway without a home.
Someone took his heart
And he's on the search too
But he's lost cuz he doesn't know
Where she ran off to.
See she took his heart
And that's why he takes yours
Because to be in love is what he adores.

Revelations.

To not say their names
It to offer them protection
From the lies they spew.
You have your reasons
And I have mine.
But don't say you don't care
Cuz I can see you beginning to unwind.
Itching to get your questions answered
Scratching to get your way.
Doing it so subtle,
some people might consider it play.
But I've learned better.
Through trial and error
Youve got nails of a steet cat
Untamable and feral.
You dig your way in
So narrow and deep.
That no one can ever get that steep.
To pull you out by your hair.
Frankly because nobody cares.
They'd rather let you rot alone inside
But I let you stay
Cuz you've gotten ahold of my heart.
There's no taking you out
Without ripping me apart.
Your a leech
Your a tick
Your a parasite
But without having you around
Life wouldn't be worth living.
I wouldn't put up a fight.
Without you.
I'd be dead and gone
Out of sight.

We think with our hearts, we feel with our minds.

Stop thinking start feeling.You've eaten my soul, planted an impassable seed inside me.
I was fine. I was healthy and independent before this.
I had independent thoughts and independent dreams and now you're a frequent visitor.
Im not sure if you know the amount of control you have over me.
How every single action of yours and every word quickens my pulse.
I am constantly on edge. But I'm sure you know this.
Being like everyone else im sure you'll take advantage of it.
I cant play anymore, I'm fighting every single urge to just go to you.
This was harder than expected.
Why do I lack so much control when it comes to you.
I feel like a dog chasing cars.
Once I finally got you I dont know what I would do.
Am I ready to be let down again?
Would you?
You seem different. You don't seem like the rest. You aren't like anyone I've ever met before so why have you already let me down more than most. I hardly even know you but you seem to be able to put me in my place like no one has. You seem to be able to tame and control my anger and my desperation. You make me focus and then send my mind a flurry when you're absent.
I know I dont know what is coming. The issues that can emerge but at this moment I dont care anymore. I just want you. Every single thought and memory. Every story to every wall. Tell me about every brick in every wall you've built.
How is that when I am with you I feel so damn insignificant and small. I feel like a child again when with anyone else I feel like I am in such control.
If only you could be honest with your spoken word, if only you stopped making excuses.
There is no harm in giving in. I don't smile with a knife behind my back.
Words rush into my mind, and I can't seem to find anything important enough to pass my lips. It could be alternate substances or maybe the lack of nourishment or sleep thats making my head swirl, but I sit in this apartment just wanting to walk out that door and walk to find some kind of clarity in this emotion.
Quit sulking on what life has dealt you and read the cards that I hold in my hands.
I swear my hands are full of hearts.

Run.

I am rushed. There is not enough time to tell you all the things I want to say. There arent words to describe what I am thinking. Just know that I did not leave you.  I did not. They are taking me. I cannot stop them. They have total control over me, over my thoughts. There are too many. They know too much. Go into hiding my darling darkling. Hide in the memories that only we share. Go into them and live there. Dream to wake up. For I woke up to die. Dont come looking, for I am no longer there. My body will be gone by the time you read this note. They will go into our home. They will take everything. Every scrap of information, evey photograph, that might link back to that night. They are coming now. I hear them on the steps. Know that I love you, know that I never left.

Brooke if only you could understand.

When will i be enough?
Im sorry.
If i could lie down and keep you from getting your feet wet i would.
If i could protect you from everything i would.
I would rather take the pain than see you suffer.
I feel like i am at blame if you get hurt, even when it is an uncontrollable variable.
If you cry, i am at fault.
Whether you blame me or not, i accept your troubles as mine.
I made a promise. The only one ive ever really kept.
My only regret was not knowing how much you were worth in the beginning.
Not knowing that, you were worth more than the rest.
You are my one regret.
I regret ever leaving you.
I regret letting you love me.
I should of only promised you my love.
Dont love me back because i'll never be enough.
Im sorry.
Im not the victim, and im not the attacker, but am i not to blame for being a bystander and not saving you. I love you and im sorry.

Stolen and Found Anew.

From my chest to my heart,
From a thought to a word,
your touch dictates mine,
our thoughts are intertwined.

"You are the dream I've been dreaming."

From the air caught in my lungs,
to the blood pulsing under my cool skin,
all a reaction to being one again.

"You are the dream I've been dreaming."

Wind In the Sails At Last.

Seconds tick by...

Minutes inch by...

Hours have flown....

Day and weeks pass without a backwards glance. Finally, months have wasted away with no change to show. Underneath the surface the waters are deep. The monsters are multiple, but break through to the surface and you'll find the mind numbing cold. The same wind that blows harshly cutting over the flat surface with nothing to challenge its path. It's all the same above water but what turmoil bubbles beneath the surface? Not even the ocean himself knows what it holds, not even the sea herself can control what happens within her. All it takes is one movement within and it all begin to set into motion.

It seems I've sailed upon a journey alone of late. Blown off course and lost a few along the way. Battered and a few leaks have sprung up here and there but continuing on. In search of what... that is something that has yet to reveal itself. 

Out at sea, without any sign of others in sight a creature began to swim along side my boat. It brought along words of wisdom. "You are no alone. You are never alone. I am always here. Beneath the waters I reside. You wont always see me, but from you I will never hide. I am not meant to live above with mortal men but now I rise. Now I tell you this... Believe."

"Believe in what?" I cried out. But he was gone. The ripples on the surface the only proof he was ever here.

I'm embarking on a journey. There will be great times of joy and independence and times of deep sorrow and solitude but I must go on because one day I will look out onto the horizon and see home on some distant shore. I've learned that letting go is the only way to be free. I no longer flounder on the surface trying to breathe air that isn't meant for me, but plunge under the surface to places unknown. I am free because of the words I've been told.

Its Time.

When do you think it is time to let go?
Let go of the things that happened that shaped you to be who you are now,
Let go of the things you cant change but wish you could.
The father that left a wife and two kids.
The bestfriend since childhood who turned her back.
The resentful mother who looks at you and sees her regrets in you.
The lover that made you feel like you weren't enough.
The girl who stole your heart and your sanity.
The one that got away.
The child that could of been.
The future you could of had.
The person you always thought you were.
Let it go. Select. Delete. Refresh.
Now begin. Again.
But Let It Go.

When you shot me at point-blank range, I knew you loved me.

It's late. Well not for me but it is for everyone else I share this city with. I am not tired. Shocker. Yet at the same time I am oh so exhausted. My mind strains to find words to describe my situation. When I am at loss for words, I feel as though I am unworthy of describing the subject. Because I can't explain it that must be the reason I am denied of words. I must not understand it. Words words words. What are they? A false inaccurate portrayl of emotion. By the time the proper text is found, the subject has changed. My situation and subject is everchanging and words become increasingly difficult to find. It is only after the situation is over that I often find clarity. I hunger hunger hunger for words. For information. Hoping that in them I will find reason and truth. I watch as one by one they drift on into the night while I stay awake with my thoughts and only demons for company. I am in constant fear that I am under-read. That I don't know enough. I am attracted to challenge and fall in love with rejection. And maybe hope is my biggest downfall. That and my mind. At least my creative process. I build cities of illusions and dreams and inhabit them in my sleep or in my private deep thought. And then I wake to reality and am always so naive to find them not to hold any truth or stability. I can build it all up like skyscrapers and tear it all down in a matter of seconds in my mind. It is apparent in my sudden change of warmth at times. I am caught mid-laugh realizing that what I was enjoying wasn't that funny and that the jokes on me for thinking it was and getting ahead of myself. It is strange beause I have become so familiar with depression that I do not break. I am most frequently found in the encasing of my own misery but I do not cry. Perhaps it is the hope that prevents me, knowing any emotion and energy released would be wasted because I've known better times than these and they might be around the corner yet. But this hope is also the death of me. An open wound never allowed to heal because the shooter might just come back, remove the bullet from my chest, and explain why I was the victim this time. I am foolish to have hope in someone who pulls the trigger so easily. But I trust the ones with protection because trial and error has made them wise, yet it has also made them blind. Maybe that's is why they shoot so blindly at salvation. All they hear is a stranger approaching in the dark and experience has taught them if you let strangers get too close you will get hurt. You'll become the victim. It's get shot or shoot but a blind man can't see a white flag of truce. So shoot at me and I will continue, in the hopes that your blindness and my shrewdness will cause you to miss and I will get close enough to hold you.

Wake up in a Dream.

Could i have imagined it all? I could i have imagined everything?
I allow my imagination to get ahead of itself. We see what we want in someone, not what's really there.
But someone how this time i was really sure that i wasn't setting myself up for disappointment.
I know i dream about it, every night now. Its suffocating to have your thoughts invaded by day and by night.
I use to have control over what i dreamt about and who visited me in them, but now it feels like every night that i wake up in a dream i am being followed by a shadow of my past. Its the same three faces. Its the same scenarios repeated over and over. I'm stuck and forced to watch it all happen all over again, now seeing how i could of prevented the damage but helpless to do anything. Its one of those dreams where you open your mouth and you try to scream with all your might and you try to run, you just want to get out as fast as you can, but it feels like your underwater.

 Your words are smothered and swallowed up by the thick dream your in and you legs are sluggish running in water, feet stunk in the sand. And all the while i am aware that i am dreaming. I know what is happening. In my head i am pleading with my subconscious please please wake up, take control, this is your dream, Wake Up!

But its too late. They are there already. We are acting out the scenes and i have my smile painted on and i know where this is going but I'm too weak to stop it anymore. Ive felt so dead for so long now that if indulging in this little bit of nostalgia is going to give me what i need to survive another long day then I'll take it. I lay there asleep in self destruction, eyes swirling around in REM. Seeing memories i forgot existed. Fingers twitching, responding to the objects in my dreams and in the end a little gasp escapes me.
And when i do wake up, I'm not rested. I'm more restless than i was before i went to sleep at 4 am the night before. Is this how its always going to be for me? Life just being full of self-denials and indulgences.

I've been searching

I will not let the failures of one man make me lose hope in all of humanity.

I will not allow myself to even contemplate that there is no hope out there to discover a true genuine person.

I will not allow the blind to blind me as well.

I will instead open the doors and windows to those who live in darkness and show them the light. The light from above and the light from below.

Light can come from someone greater and someone much simpler.

I will not lose hope in my own life because I am looking for the same thing.

Because there is not one of us on this planet or on any other that does not long before anything else to be loved.

I will survive and live my life and improve myself so that I can change, not the world but the people who have such a negative outlook on change.

I will not let my flaws become my demons.

I will not fail. Setbacks are just challenges in which we will either succeed or fail just so that we can be challenged and find a different solution.

I might not always get what you want but in not receiving what I look for I might find some clarity in the struggle for happiness.

I will persevere.

Life is nothing without the passion to live and to love the life you have been given.

I have been given the choice of free will.

The same free will that everyone else has.

I will not be the one to be held as a captive to the will of others.

My body might have limitations but my mind does not, my heart knows no boundaries.

I am not dead, so I must be alive.

I will make the best of that.

It is remarkable that I am given every breathe I take.

I will not forget that from this day on.

I will live without repressing my true emotions and actions.

I will not deny myself of the happiness that connections in life will give me.

I am alive and if I live I will never be dead.

I could live out my life without a backward glance.

I could live out my life as a hermit on some distant shore. I could live with books for conversation and the stars for company. I could live free. Once you are deep enough in nature and you lose all traces of humanity, you can sit and look up at the sky and be in any time period of the past. I would like to cultivate my own land and stalk my prey. I would like to live with no boundaries except the limitations of my human body but not of my mortal mind. I acknowledge no master. And that is why I feel trapped. I feel statisfied by no human connection, physical or mental. I am forever seeking. I long for the relationship I can have outside of society. I would like to have a companion in all this though. Someone to share these experiences. If I had it my way we would travel and be in furious debate all day and then on others say not one word. Sharing our thoughts on some deeper level of understanding. I want to be able to converse and debate. I want to be challenged physically and mentally. I want to experience the world pleasures of this earth and of my own body. I want to exisit as a part of this world not as a burden. I want to live. 

A Common Feeling.

I loathe it. I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I will be lying in my bed, relaxing on a lazy morning. My mind wandering, thinking of a line read from a long lost book and that's when I catch his scent. It's subtle at first but then as I take in a deep breathe it becomes distinctly recognizable. Memories of the of the past begin to flood my mind and I can no longer bear to lay in my own bed. I cannot be sleep where he has slept. The scent wafts under my nose and I begin to realize where its coming from. From my sheets and from the pillow on which he had rested his head. It's transferred to my clothes and hair. Its imprinted on my bare skin. No shower is long enough to wash away those past traces. I cannot scrub away his presence and he will liner on eternally in my mind. I ripped the linens of my bed and stripped down and toss them all in the washer for the hottest cycle possible.  All of this because of a scent....

The Difference Between Who I Am and Who You See.

There are places we can't return
No matter how we yearn
To face our problems and turn
The other cheek to our previous burns
There are truths we can't deny
No matter how much we try
To repress the things we feel
Things nobody should steal
Things done and hidden
Because it's already been forbidden
There are lies we have to tell
Because the truth is destructive as well.
Cant do the things I want
And be someone you want
At the same time.
So it pushes us to spend time lying
To one another.
Because there isn't any other
Option when it comes to living out
Who i am
And who you see.
If you cant fix it, withstand it.
You cant fix me but cant you stand it?
Will you stand by me?
When you start to hate me
You definitely wont always love me
The things you'll see are quite scary
So don't tarry now, if you aren't going to stay
for the long run. eventually the sun goes down.
Hope when the sun goes down,
I'll still see you around.

A man by no other name.

You drive me insane
I wish I could reframe
From thinking your name
Wanting to relieve the pain.
That's tortures your brain.
It's because I feel the same
On a lower level or plane.
And I crane
My neck to gain
Some insight on rain
That's been an pouring endlessly on your terrain.
You might claim
To have never boarded the train
Of the drug injected vein
That is society.
But I know you better.
Than you might think.
I want to save you from drowning
Before you sink.
So rain rain go away
Find some other place to lay.

Who is someone?

He may not be worth it
but now my real feelings surface.
I sit between four walls of light
protected from the dark outside
but not from the darkness inside my mind
I wish I could have some sort of company
a welcome distraction
to dilute the pain, a fraction,
of the strange attraction
to things that never should happen.
It's the hope in life that makes me fight
for love, the shining beacon of light
at the top of an empty structure.
Worried that if it's not there my heart will surely rupture.
From the giant let down of happiness
that all our parents promised us.
Give me a hope
then pull away the rope
watch me scramble
someway I'll handle
the deception I've been served on a silver platter.
Everyday lived the world seems flatter.
Does anything matter?
I do need the hope of a greater purpose
to keep myself afloat at the surface.
But at this point I'm treading water
I'm a woman so I must be a daughter.
But I've been wondering all along where is my great father.
Somewhere in the sky.
My voice won't reach that high.
So I must keep alive that hope
that he will let down that rope
or maybe a ladder
I don't mind the labor.
I prefer the latter.
To work for something
increases it's worth
but if it walks away
I can't buy it back with what's in my purse.
The power of an angel but the selfishness of a man
now seems like a curse.
Attractive at first
but Im getting worse and worse.
No matter how tight
i might hold on to my memories,
they float on.
Up up and away, until there's no reason to stay
all I have are pictures in frames
as a reminder of who was here
but I see them clear
I'm my mind they've been seared.
Forgiven not forgotten.
Don't know what I saw in
people, why I am suprised
everytime they leave.
I could time it like a sunrise.
Or maybe like a sunset
that must explain the upset.
Explain why I fear the dark.
And hopes shoot up at the finest spark.
Up up and away my memories turn into dreams.
And now it seems
that no matter how much people might gleam
a dream in someone is a fantasy.
Something someone like me can't attain.
Just visualize and keep hope
that my time will come
I'll come undone.
My heart will be won
by someone of worth.
Is there anyone on this earth
that can really see me and unslderstand?
Or do I put too much hope in the hands of man?

So after every single lie go ahead and try.

Every single time I try
You show me a different side
It all turns out to be a lie
So don't ask my why
Every single night I cry
Every up wall I put up falls
So don't try and call
You were my one downfall.

I don't know why you attract me so
I guess it's something I'll never know.
It's not that you affect my heart
You effect mind and soul.
I seem to loose all control
And then I feel so cold.
You build me up to break me down.
Pushed them all away for you
So no one is left around.
Nothing left not one word true.

So after telling me a lie
Go ahead and beg and cry
Cuz I ain't gonna even try
To see your better side.
You were born dead not alive.
But you can't reach me with your knife
You can't reach me i'm too high
Even though I held my arms wide
I'm glad I had my pride.
It kept me on my stride.
You can't eat me up alive.
And now your fading like a tide.
And I'm stepping back goodbye
Looking for the next ride.

Walk Away.

It's hard to hear.
And harder to watch.
I'd rather not be there
Yet i wish you good luck.
It's hard to wish the best
To those who once belong to you,
And those who wronged you too.
But I'd rather wish them both the best
And keep my mouth glued.
Although it aches inside my heart
And kills me in my brain
I know that this is the best way.
I know from this i gain,
the strength to find better things
In life and trust and love.
It's best to sometimes walk away,
From those you truly love.

When did it all end.

I would give anything
to erase the past.
And have it be just you and me
laying on the grass.
Like how it use to be
when we first began.
Baby yeah just you and me,
and to have it last.

Before the complications and the mess.
Before being with you caused me stress.
Where there was innocence
to what we had.
Baby I just want to go back.

When the times were good.
And you were mine.
When thinking of your mistakes
didn't have me dying.
Those days when we just needed eachother.
Oh I would rather have no other.

Oh I don't know.
Where all the good times go.
Oh I ask why.
I call out to the sky.
Don't know who,
took the kindness out of you.
I just want to know when
all the good times ended.

Your mind may refuse to believe.

I don't know which is worse,
the fact that you could find it in yourself to do that
or that I've already forgiven you.
There is no explanation for the gravitational pull that we have for eachother, but that does explain the space we need.
In truth, I couldn't leave if I wanted to and I've never been gone.
I've been sitting in the same spot you left me, waiting for some sign on what to do next.
But during this amount of time of solitude.
Things have changed.
You can try and make me fall in love with you again but those tricks don't have the same effect they use to.
All the lies that have been told.
All the unspoken and hidden truths,
have changed how I see you.
I don't want you in that way anymore.
If rather be alone in my own bed then have you in mine one day and in someone elses the next.
There is no room for you in my heart, in my bed, in my arms or on my lips.
I'm still here and I do still love you.
But now only as a friend.
The distance between us.
Increases by the day.
Words go unsaid, emotions not felt.
But one look at your face made me realize it wasn't over for you.
So space is good. Space is needed, and who knows for how long.
Nothing can change the fact that I want you to be happy. I want the best for you above all else. This is how I've been able to deal with your disapperances.
Not even time could change how I feel.
The pain will fade eventually, but when you truly love someone, it is forever constant and unfaltering. When you love someone you want the best for them even when it means your not on the picture for who knows how long. I've seen the best of you. I've seen the worst of you.
Loving someone might not be enough sometimes but it's worth it.
If I have helped you through even one moment, if I've relieved you from the burden you carry, even for a short amount of time, it was worth it.

Drugdealer.

From one addict to another?
Help me get clean.
I need some advice.
I know it's all in my head.
I know it will fade like the tide.
Just seems like i'm up to my neck
In worries doubts and troubles.
I'm in relapse again.
After a month of being clean.
But he's a drugdealer.
And a soul stealer.
And I'm feeling weaker.
Everyday without my fix.
There's only so much religion can do.
Only so much drugs can numb.
But nothing fades the pain of love. 

Inner-struggle.

I was living a life that wasn't me
I was trying to out live my fantasy
But I had a strong shock of reality
I was walking along in my dream
And I was shot down with the truth I must face.
The road I've been walking isn't real.
The bridge I was crossing isn't there.
I've been dropped from above and fallen hard to the floor
It's like my dreams didn't want me anymore.
I'm being punished for my sins
But I'm human not an angel
I walk through a valley of life and death truth and lies and deception
Every day I drag myself on no exception.
I see myself as a soilder of my own cause and the worlds a battle I just have to fight and haven't yet won.
It's me against the world. A war of a million lonely solitary soliders fighting their own cause.
The battle I've been fighting isn't real.
The people on the sidelines will disappear.
The grounds opened up and taken me home
At least in hell my misery won't be alone. 

She&Him

Because she plays where she works
And it hurts where she lies.
He lives in control 
So he's living in lies.
He's just an indulgence
To fill up her void.
But she's the same to him.
Something they can't avoid.
Because it's not right 
But it doesn't feel wrong,
Both their boundaries
Fall crumbling down.

Everyone is a coward about something. Rise against the odds.

People have demons.
At one point you begin to lose sight of who you use to be.
You start to stop caring whats right anymore and just act on your instinct.
Some people will do anything to survive and to keep alive their happiness.
The truth is I haven't felt more alive in my entire life than I had at the beginning of this year.
And I went to some very irrational lengths to keep it.
I didn't do anything to anyone but I was reckless with my own sanity.
I was quite reckless with my heart, as childish as that sounds.
Setting myself up for disaster but denying it because I was happy at the time.
Theres is a lot I don't understand about life. You meet thousands of people.
And then you meet one person and your life is changed.
Finally you're living for something and you're finally not running away.
You rather break down every damn wall & face any danger than to lose that person.
But the problem is you are living for that someone. Living because of them.
Soon enough its not your choice and something happens and they aren't there anymore.
Everyone's a coward about something.
Some people are cowards when it comes to allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
I find that the strongest people with icy exteriors have troubles allowing people to become close to them.
I guess that's how they cope.
That's something I've learned not to be scared about. I don't hide behind walls. What you see is what you get. I'm honest about who I am. I am not a coward when it comes to things like love.
I would still fight for the people i care out, no matter what has happened in the past.
It's best to keep your hope up and never let it fade.

The War Isn't Over

"You realize every time you suit up. Its life or death.
You roll the dice and you deal with it...."

I have mad respect for anyone that has ever served for the states. I've always had this immense pride of being American. I don't know where it really came from. My mother is proud of her background, but I've never felt like anywhere else but California is my home. I would defend it. I know that everyone says that we, as a country, are selfish, ignorant, and greedy. I know that this country has its issues, but it's my home. And I love it. So whenever i meet someone who has served for my nation, I always swell with pride inside. I just want to say "Thank you."
I can't even begin to imagine the life of a solider. The things they see and have to do and are put through.
They seem so scarred when they come back. I've heard it many times, "Once a marine, always a marine." And yes I am quite aware they are not the only ones that serve. Marines are just what I have been exposed to more. I have a few friends that are serving right now and it pains me to see how much they have changed. One of my friends came back for a visit and he looks so old and is the a shadow of who he use to be. He hardly is genuinely happy about anything.
Before I lived where I do now, my room faced a main street. There was this old veteran who would walk by my street every single night at 3 am and from my window i would hear him. He would scream and scream out stories. Wretched stories and even once i heard him narrating "Alice in Wonderland." Which was really odd. But i cant imagine what people have seen to make their brains cope with that damage by scrambling their thoughts. I can't even pretend to know what I'm talking about when it comes to combat but it hurts to see the solders when they come back home. The war isn't over, not for them. It's still in their head.

Lets take a trip and stay in a hotel. Maybe then the truth will be expelled.

There has been something thats been haunting me for a while.
I don't even know how to explain it. I don't know if I'm ready to yet. Maybe that's why I am at lost for words. All i really know is that i really miss them. As many bad  things that happened between us all, they were all part of my life for a reason. Bestfriend and lover. I miss them both. But things have happened that cannot be changed. I don't want to know what goes on behind close doors but for some reason or another I always end up finding out. At least I don't have to see them anymore. Trouble is sometimes I want more than anything to be able to see them and talk to them and hug them but it's literally impossible. I have bipolar feelings about them. I wish so much that none of this ever happened and that I could of just been friends with them both. I can't even begin to imagine the damage that's been inflicted on us both by each other. I know she was delicate when i entered her life. The way more people should be. I makes them aware of the feelings of others. She is one of the most thoughtful people i had met. I don't know when that stopped or it ever was really.... I don't think I'm ready to talk about it quite yet. No I'm definitely not. My emotions shift from anger to sadness to adoration for her. I'm not ready. My insomnia continues.

Just promise me one thing.

Before we start anything
I have to know your in this.
I've been through too many bad relationships.
It's seems like everyone who loves you the most will let you down.
I'm letting you know now
If you let me
And I let myself love you
I will.
With all my heart.
And I'll fight anything to keep us.
So just let me know.
If that's something u want.

Nine knives in my back.

This is a piece a wrote a few months ago. I no longer hold this pessimist point of view but am still a tad apprehensive whenever someone new enters my life.

I feel like all of my life
I've been lied to
Every relationship & friendship
was a lie too.

Everyone tells you what they think
You wanna hear.
I just wanna be told the truth
Save your tears

I can deal with the truth
Because I know what I'm facing
I can't handle the lies
They got me straight up pacing
Back in forth
Across the room
I wonder which one of you is real
Who tells me the truth
Because they know I can deal

I start off each day
With 9 knifes in my back
And I feel paranoid and
I'm tracing my tracks
Each person I meet
On this path of my life
Is just one other person
Holding a knife.

Ever wake up and think what am i doing here?

I cannot tell anyone about this memory but to not repeat it would be to forget it so I'll do the only thing I know how to do. Write. The thing is. You can't trust a memory to be honest. Or to make it more clear you can't trust your memory to remember what happened the way it did. We choose to notice some things more than other or pretend that some things weren't said to preserve the beauty of the memory. Memories once passed are just pictures of dreams that get harder to recall.
I'm not sure what really happened. I'm not sure what was really said now that time has passed since I recall it. I feel like to share with someone those memorable moments wouldn't do anything but cheapen my experience. The importance of it dilutes with every person told. Maybe I wont write about it after all. It's one of my favorite memories. I think i'll let my imagination get the best of me if it wants.

If I could get that time wasted on you back.

Never be in a relationship where you don't feel like you were ever good enough or like you had to change something about yourself. It is a terrible thing and it makes you hate yourself. You simply have to realize things aren't working and walk away. That's the hardest part though. Walking away before it gets messy. I haven't even mastered that yet.  You never want to be with someone because it didn't work out with someone else. Don't ever make anyone your second option because you don't want to be alone. That's really selfish. It causes alot of damage. I think that's a major problem that we all have as a whole. People are very selfish and think mostly about what benefits them.
I've had my share of unhealthy relationships. Hell, all of my relationships were unhealthy because I was trying to change the men I was with. They were both cheaters and I stayed longer than I needed to because I thought that I could change them. Infidelity is such an ugly thing. I can forgive a mistake. We are only human and bound to give in to temptation. Even the strongest men will fail. The thing is you never really get that trust back and that is what can be fatal to a relationship. My ex of 3 years taught me a valuable lesson. You cannot change someone. No matter how much you beg or plead or cry. Nothing will change someone but themselves. I can remember so many damn times that I had friends tell me about how they had heard or seen something. I wouldn't believe them or he would always have some clever little story to explain why he was there and what happened. I would even go to eat dinner at a restaurant and the girl that was my waitress would be a girl he had cheated on me with. I would see pictures and messages and I chose to ignore it.
Love is a very powerful thing. Put in the wrong hands, it really is a weapon. My adoration for him made me blind to what was going on. And even when I did see I would chose to not pay attention. Every night it was the same routine. Confrontation. He would get angry that I doubted him and usually ignore me and I would be calling and calling and begging him to just tell me the truth. And at the end of the night, it always ended with and "I love you and I promise I wont ever lie to you again."
I rememeber that first part distinctly. I would always beg him "Please just tell me everything now and i'll forgive you." I really did mean it, but he never told me. And when I would find out from a friend telling me or some other way he would be like, "Well now you know do you forgive me?"
I was really stupid. It was my first semester in college and while I was in my classes I would have people textng me stuff and I would break down and have to leave class to telephone him. Again I say it, I was really stupid and immature about it. I should of focused on school. I failed that entire semester. I dont blame it on that. I didn't have my priorities set straight.
The odd thing is that I never thought I would marry him. Most people who have been together for over a year have at least talked about it you know? We never did. I knew I never wanted to look down the aisle and see his face and know that I would never be able to trust him and that he woud betray me. I don't understand where i thought it was going if we weren't going to end up getting married. Three years is a long time wasted on someone who isn't worth it.
Thats the thing. Once someone has wronged anyone, (the way I see it) They are now capable of doing the same to you. That's why I usually won't go near a guy who is a douche bag to anyone. Cuz who knows if something happens, that could be me on the other side. If someone is not capable of being especially cruel to another being, thats a good sign.
I don't even know where im going with this. I didn't mean to talk about this.
Oh well. At least im finally talking about it.
I think what i want to the most is to get that time back that i wasted. I was so ready to be with him that i avoided all the flashing red signs. I don't think it's a good sign if your boyfriend wins "Biggest Flirt" in highschool. Haha.
I've learned now to see the warning signs.

Float On.

When the sun sets the misery settles in as well.
When darkness falls it brings the misery with it.
It's the hardest at night.
The loneliness surrounds you.
Smothering you in the darkness.
Covering you up to your neck
Blanketing you in self doubt.
Your old friend misery is back again.
It loves company and you seem to be her only friend.
Laying in your bed you feel the weight of it all.
The need for someone, anyone
To share it with.
Lonely in a city full of people
As the world spins on.
Unaware of your existence
Of your internal struggles.
It continues.
Your heart aches for what was yours
And for what never was.
Sleep numbs the pain.
Until you wake up in your dreams
And find yourself trapped by everything you can't have
And by the shadows of companionship that constantly linger in the loneliest corner of your mind.
Your body soul and mind hunger to touch and to be touch.
Your fingers twitch at the slightest graze.
Your breath stops at the glance of kind eyes.
Solidarity has made you hypersensitive
To any connection made.
You long to feel.
Feel anything.
But the numbing nothingness of loneliness.